Originally Posted by
FormerDoormat 
Wow, his e-mail creeps me out, too. And here's why: I'm starting to see your boyfriend put into place the items on Gavin DeBecker's "Pre-incident Indicators Associated with Spousal Abuse" list, which I posted last week in response to another post, but feel it may be prudent to post it here again:
Following is a list of pre-incident indicators associated with spousal abuse:
1. The woman has intuitive feelings that she is at risk.
Yes
2. At the inception of the relationship, the man accelerated the pace, prematurely placing on the agenda such things as commitment, living together, and marriage.
Yes
3. He resolves conflict with intimidation, bullying, and violence.
Yes to bullying and intimidation
4. He is verbally abusive.
Yes
5. He uses threats and intimidation as instruments of control or abuse.
Yes
6. He breaks or strikes things in anger.
Well... he climbed a tree once.
7. He has battered in prior relationships.
No - he has been battered by ex-girlfriend with broken nose
8. He uses alcohol or drugs with adverse affects.
Yes
9. He cites alcohol or drugs as an excuse or explanation for hostile or violent conduct.
Yes
10. His history includes police encounters for behavioral offenses.
Yes
11. There has been more than one incident of violent behavior.
Yes
12. He uses money to control the activities, purchases, and behavior of his wife/partner.
No - I earn my own money
13. He becomes jealous of anyone or anything that takes her time away from the relationship.
Yes
14. He refuses to accept rejection.
Yes
15. He expects the relationship to go on forever, perhaps using phrases like "together for life," "always," "no matter what."
Yes
16. He projects extreme emotions onto others (hate, love, jealousy, commitment) even when there is no evidence that would lead a reasonable person to perceive them.
Yes
17. He minimizes incidents of abuse.
Yes
18. He spends a disproportionate amount of time talking about his wife/partner and derives much of his identity from being her husband, lover, etc.
Yes at work.
19. He tries to enlist his wife's friends or relatives in a campaign to keep or recover the relationship.
Yes, he was very anxious to have my family members like him
20. He has inappropriately surveilled or followed his wife/partner.
No
21. He believes others are out to get him.
Yes- He thinks he is bullied or his past mafia associates will get him.
22. He resists change and is described as inflexible, unwilling to compromise.
With drinking, yes
23. He identifies with or compares himself to violent people in films, news stories, function, or history.
Yes
24. He suffers mood swings or is sullen, angry, or depressed.
Yes to depression and extreme mood swings
25. He consistently blames others for problems of his own making.
Yes
26. He refers to weapons as instruments of power, control, or revenge.
No
27. Weapons are a substantial part of his persona; he has a gun or he talks about, jokes about, reads about, or collects weapons.
No
28. He uses "male privilege" as a justification for his conduct (treats her like a servent, makes all the big decisions, acts like the "master of the house").
Yes he always decides where to go when we are on dates and gets upset if he doesn't
29. He experienced or witnessed violence as a child.
Yes
30. His wife/partner fears he will injure or kill her. She has discussed this with others or has plans to be carried out in the event of her death (e.g., designating someone to care for her children).
No
Excerpts from "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker
Holy shi**! FD! Jack practically lives a double life. Can you believe he's a lawyer? This isn't the end of it... I know he is going to contact me more. I suspect he's going to try to bribe me by saying "oh look... i'm drinking even more now. See? You should have stayed with me. I wouldn't be like this."
THANK YOU EVERYONE!!!!
Quick question to friends, family, and spouses
... do these actions and kind of behavior sound familiar to alcoholics in general? Do these symptoms by DeBecker reflect alcoholics? not just abusers?