I recently read a well written article or excerpt... and I don't remember if I got the link from this website, or not... that held that alcoholics don't drink because they're stressed or depressed or unhappy or conflicted or having a bad hair day. They drink because they're addicted. Therefore, the standard theory that addressing the alcoholic's underlying problems will make the compulsion to drink go away is incorrect. Address the drinking, and then the other stuff can possibly be treated.
I hear ya, and no, you're not making a mountain out of a molehill. I threw out my much loved husband over his use of alcohol and porn: they were always going to come first, and no logic was too warped, and no sacrifice too great, to defend his addictions. His solution to all of life's problems was to reach for a bottle of wine and turn on the computer. My experience is like Stillwaters: it wasn't going to change. And I couldn't stand a life of having my life partner feed me cow patties. "It doesn't mean anything" is right up there on the bs list.
After my divorce, I dated a man who was equally uninterested in drinking and pornography, and who valued honesty. And... it was just as good as I thought it would be. I was right to feel that I deserved someone who could be emotionally present with me. I wasn't blowing anything out of proportion. Trust yourself-- if alcohol doesn't feel like a small problem to you, it isn't.
You may not be able to change your marriage the way you would wish, but you can make your life better. It is OK to love and still put your foot down about what you can and can't live with. Your refusal to go out drinking with her or keep an eye on her anymore freed her from an artificial constraint. My guess is you did help the situation; you stopped fighting a battle that you couldn't win.
Be well and be gentle with yourself...