Quote; (( I was asking him to give up so much of who he is and he didn't think he could do that.))
You asked him to cut the drinking and help out more.....you didn't ask him to stop breathing, or have his heart cut out.
If he considers that being a raving drunk, abusing his family, lying and putting others at risk when driving, is something in his make-up to hang on to.....then he has a big problem.
He virtually said that tho he believes you are wonderful and blah blah blah, you are not worth him sobering up for, so do you believe he is really worth you giving him any more time to make you totally miserable?
Time away, attending Alanon, reading all you can, websurfing for info on alcoholism etc, and having a place to come like wonderful SR, can help you decide what you do want for you and what is totally not acceptable.
Keep coming back.