Learn2LIve, thanks for your post.
But I'm afraid I disagree that the usual boundary-setting script fits in this situation. The behaviors are too extreme.
I just can't see myself saying something like:
"When you tell me what a horrible person I am while I'm trying to clean up your excrement, it makes me feel degraded." (ORLY?)
or
"When you crash our car and cause several hundred pounds worth of damage, it makes me feel frightened and resentful."
or
"If you continue to trash the house while verbally abusing me, I will leave."
In these cases, the "boundary-setting" conversations don't work. If I said any of the above I'd be negotiating over my right to live normally and peacefully, and I'm not going to put myself in that kind of humiliating position.
I've never really seen the point of threats: you either do something or you don't.
He's told me he never wants another binge to happen again. I could try to force him to repeat that over and over, whenever I felt sad, but that won't change things. I know that I'll leave if he binges again, and really I can't predict whether that can happen. That's where I'm feeling kind of fed up.
Sorry if my post seems a bit strident, I don't mean to take things out on you, it's just me feeling a bit worked up... I do appreciate your advice.