HurtingAgain

It's so hard to answer that question because it literally varies minute by minute. My emotions are vacillating between rage, hurt, numbness, shock, relief that it's finally over, and back again. One minute I'm thanking God that I found out the truth and that I can finally begin rebuilding my life without him, and the next minute I want to call him and tell him how much I love and miss him and beg him to get sober so we can be a family again. He's been my best friend since I was 15 years old, and the thought of living without him is both terrifying and heartbreaking, even though he hasn't been the man I fell in love with for many years now. I would give anything to have back the man I loved before alcohol stole him away from me.

In many ways, yes, I did fear this even more than him dying. If I were a widow I could mourn the loss of my husband and still feel like it was okay to love him as much as I still do. All of the good memories (and there were many of them even though they've been coming further and further apart) have now been tainted by this betrayal. I think there is always the fear in the back of any sober spouses' mind that if they leave, the alcoholic spouse will finally get sober and become the sort of partner to someone else that they should have been to them.

Right now it feels like the man that I love has already died, his body just doesn't know it yet.