If you look back through my posts, you'll see that I am a sucker for the whole boundary thing. I think they are such a crucial part of being emotionally healthy and form a foundation for the person we are and who we present to the world around us.
I was reading something on a blog about boundary violations in terms of sexual violence (
The Boiling Frog Principle Of Boundary Violation ) and the central theme rung so true to me. If I let someone violate my boundaries, then I am telling them that my boundaries are not watertight. But why is that? Why do I let it happen?
This part of that blog post from Harriet Jacobs explains a lot for me (I have included it all out of respect for her post):
Women are raised being told by parents, teachers, media, peers, and all surrounding social strata that:
it is not okay to set solid and distinct boundaries and reinforce them immediately and dramatically when crossed (“mean bitch”)
it is not okay to appear distraught or emotional (“crazy bitch”)
it is not okay to make personal decisions that the adults or other peers in your life do not agree with, and it is not okay to refuse to explain those decisions to others (“stuck-up bitch”)
it is not okay to refuse to agree with somebody, over and over and over again (“angry bitch”)
it is not okay to have (or express) conflicted, fluid, or experimental feelings about yourself, your body, your sexuality, your desires, and your needs (“bitch got daddy issues”)
it is not okay to use your physical strength (if you have it) to set physical boundaries (“dyke bitch”)
it is not okay to raise your voice (“shrill bitch”)
it is not okay to completely and utterly shut down somebody who obviously likes you (“mean dyke/frigid bitch”)
If we teach women that there are only certain ways they may acceptably behave, we should not be surprised when they behave in those ways.
And we should not be surprised when they behave these ways during attempted or completed rapes.
Women who are taught not to speak up too loudly or too forcefully or too adamantly or too demandingly are not going to shout “NO” at the top of their goddamn lungs just because some guy is getting uncomfortably close.
Women who are taught not to keep arguing are not going to keep saying “NO.”
Women who are taught that their needs and desires are not to be trusted, are fickle and wrong and are not to be interpreted by the woman herself, are not going to know how to argue with “but you liked kissing, I just thought…”
Women who are taught that physical confrontations make them look crazy will not start hitting, kicking, and screaming until it’s too late, if they do at all.
Women who are taught that a display of their emotional state will have them labeled hysterical and crazy (which is how their perception of events will be discounted) will not be willing to run from a room disheveled and screaming and crying.
Women who are taught that certain established boundaries are frowned upon as too rigid and unnecessary are going to find themselves in situations that move further faster before they realize that their first impression was right, and they are in a dangerous room with a dangerous person.
Women who are taught that refusing to flirt back results in an immediately hostile environment will continue to unwillingly and unhappily flirt with somebody who is invading their space and giving them creep alerts.
People wonder why women don’t “fight back,” but they don’t wonder about it when women back down in arguments, are interrupted, purposefully lower and modulate their voices to express less emotion, make obvious signals that they are uninterested in conversation or being in closer physical proximity and are ignored.
I appreciate that this has nothing to do with alcoholism, however I would say that it has everything to do with the fact that women are socially set up to be non-enforcers of boundaries. And also the blog post has great insight into how the non-enforcement of boundaries gives a great signal to someone with emotional vampire like tendencies.
I look back now to my relationship with my ex and can see so clearly how my boundaries were tested and found to be lacking. There was one weekend a few months into our relationship where I had some friends to stay. We had a Mexican night and got some tequila as part of the whole shebang. Not much was drunk on the night but I noticed a couple of weeks later that the bottle was almost empty. I asked my ex and I can't remember exactly what was said, but that doesn't matter. The fact that I let it go is the important thing. I will make all sorts of valid excuses for that (I had no experience of alcoholism, everything else was going great, he was very believable) and some not so valid ones (I didn't want to rock the boat, I thought it was a one off despite some other strange drinking signs). That I continued the relationship despite the lameness of his excuse - it must have been or else I would have remembered - gave him a big green GO sign to carry on in that vein, to test every boundary that I may or may not have had.
I could rant with the best of them about my ex and his behavior. Bottom line. though, is that I had weak boundaries. I couldn't change him, but I could have avoided all of that by saying "thanks, but no thanks". I find it fascinating to explore why I didn't.
Please tell me I am not alone in being a dumbass......