Aww (((hugs))) hang in there Missphit.
I read that post about emotional/verbal abuse too and both me and my husband fit the bill there. I am so glad I found this place because if I hadn't I would have had no idea I had anything wrong with me and no idea how to even start fixing it.
I had a productive conversation with my husband yesterday via emails. I may have to stop calling him AH and start calling him RAH. I think he is actually getting on top of his alcohol dependency and told me he bought the AA book and has been reading it. I know he has been rooting around this place and reading a lot on SR too. He and I also realise that he was never as far down the line as many of the As described here -but that is where it can end up. The part he is having problem with is the higher power part but I had problems with that too as part of my recovery from codependency. I am open to hear what HP may want to say to me. I am starting to wonder if its not HP that caused me to find my way here because it really has turned my whole life around.
I am not looking for any quick fixes and I am not offering hope to anyone but myself. I see a very VERY big picture here and my mind and heart are open. I will not be manipulated, hooked in, or rushed into anything at all. My minimum time span before I would even consider reuniting with him is a year - and thats only if BOTH of us are fixed. We both agree that, should we ever be together again, it would be an alcohol free life - for both of us. The improvement in our communication generally was remarkable = thank you so much Melody Beattie.
I have come to realise one thing with the most amazing clarity - - only I am responsible for my own happiness. I spent my whole life wanting to be with a man who would make me happy! DOH - only I can make me happy. Wish I had realised that a lot sooner.
My deal breakers for any potential with the 2 of us are - relapse to using alcohol as a crutch (or indeed for anything at all) and - any kind of failure to take care of his own physical health.
Hey - I really like me at the moment. I am detached with love, open to what may be a spiritual awakening in me, happy with the concept of being on my own for the rest of my days and just generally feeling...yeah ...groovy.