Mambo Queen

This was my worst fear for so long. It kept me stuck in my marriage much longer than I should have been, or wanted to be in it. It kept me stuck having contact with him, much past the point where I knew it was unhealthy for me. It cost me thousands of dollars, first from the money I gave him in our divorce settlement and then even after we were divorced when I made another ill-advised attempt at "rescuing" him. I knew this last time, when I went no contact and washed my hands of my disasterous rescue attempts that this would be the likely result. But it still hurts, and it still makes me sad. I listened to a message from him today (first one I've not deleted in three weeks--he called me from a pay phone so I didn't recognize the number) and he sounds very sad. Said he went to the hospital last night, in an attempt to get a referral to the state-run mental hospital (actually he said he went to the mental hospital first and they sent him to the hospital first) but that the hospital would not give him a referral because, "I guess they think I'm not crazy enough. I told them I was suicidal and homicidal, but they still released me with no referral". He also said he'd been calling around to treatment centers, he's got the numbers of a few places that take you without any money, but that the earliest he could get in is two months from now. He said he doesn't have any money, that he'll have to panhandle to get something to eat. I know all of this is meant to be manipulative, but he didn't sound mean, or conniving, nor did he ask me for anything. He just sounded sad, and worn out. And it's making me want to cry.

I guess I can reassure myself with the thought that HE has been in the Salvation Army before (left after two months), and so he knows that if he's willing to go back there he's got a bed and 3 squares for six months. He said before it's the work they had him do (unloading and loading furniture onto trucks) with his bad back (he's got two herniated discs) that was harder for him than the staying sober. I actually believe that to a certain extent, because he's the type of alcoholic who can put together a few months of sobriety with not much problem, but when he falls, he falls hard and fast. But I guess he'll have to decide if putting up with hard physical labor is worth having a place to stay and food to eat (and hopefully, some help recovering, too--although I have to admit I'm not a huge fan of SA's methods and don't know that they're too successfully in getting a lot of long-term recovery out of people. Maybe they're more successful than I realize, I just don't know).

I'm rambling, because I'm trying to get all of my worries/fears out of my head. On the positive side, I can say that this is the news I thought I could not bear just a mere month ago, and something really changed in me once I went no contact and stepped up my own recovery with a good therapist. So here I am, bearing the previously (thought-to-be) unbearable. And I am sad, and it is sad, but I'm not devestated. I'm OK.