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Old 09-24-2010, 07:28 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Still Waters
Being Silent so I can Hear
 
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by NightandDay View Post
I would love to feel as you all do now, but Cat's post really resonated with me. I hate to be alone. I like a little bit of time to myself to organize my things, enjoy my home. . . but I get stuck in my head very quickly if I have too much time alone and then I get very anxious and depressed. Usually I will start crying.

I have used chaos for so long to keep me busy, but now that I'm in recovery, it is harder to allow myself to do that -- I'm aware of it, and I am making the effort to stop. But it sucks. I just want to escape these days but there is nowhere to go, for I wherever I go, there I am. . .

I have hope it will get better, but I am having a very rough time lately. There is so much sadness it's overwhelming. . . I'm wary of feeling my feelings because it hurts. At least the chaos motivated me to come up with solutions, even if they never worked! I am feeling very dull and hopeless lately and I'm so sick of crying. Sometimes I think it would be better to go back to how I was before. . . just indulge in those unhealthy behaviors and tell my heart to shut up, it's never going to get what it wants so stop bugging me.

I won't do that, but the desire is there. I am lonely when I'm alone.
Are you seeing a therapist? Getting individual counseling was very very helpful for me, and it might be that it would help you get past this hurdle.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that your heart doesn't really know what it wants at all. Part of recovery, for me, is figuring out what it is I really want and need for a happy me.
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