Early on, before I found recovery, I didn't do well when I was alone. Part of what made my crazy life tolerable was that there was ALWAYS something going on. I ran around with my fire extinguisher putting out whatever figurative fire that my A had created.
When I was alone, I had too much time to think. I started to realize that other people didn't live the way we lived... and I was really uncomfortable in my own skin. It was exhausting and terrifying.
Early recovery days had my sponsor working with me on just being still, and learning to be OK by myself. It was hard work!
I hadn't thought about that in a long time.... I am so glad that i don't have to live like that anymore.
I would love to feel as you all do now, but Cat's post really resonated with me. I hate to be alone. I like a little bit of time to myself to organize my things, enjoy my home. . . but I get stuck in my head very quickly if I have too much time alone and then I get very anxious and depressed. Usually I will start crying.
I have used chaos for so long to keep me busy, but now that I'm in recovery, it is harder to allow myself to do that -- I'm aware of it, and I am making the effort to stop. But it sucks. I just want to escape these days but there is nowhere to go, for I wherever I go, there I am. . .
I have hope it will get better, but I am having a very rough time lately. There is so much sadness it's overwhelming. . . I'm wary of feeling my feelings because it hurts. At least the chaos motivated me to come up with solutions, even if they never worked! I am feeling very dull and hopeless lately and I'm so sick of crying. Sometimes I think it would be better to go back to how I was before. . . just indulge in those unhealthy behaviors and tell my heart to shut up, it's never going to get what it wants so stop bugging me.
I won't do that, but the desire is there. I am lonely when I'm alone.