Thank you all for replying
Suki- I agree with you, he isn't ready yet. He hasn't yet realized how serious his problem is and how close he is to killing himself if he keeps it up. He also has no idea what REAL life is about yet given his age and his isolation from the real world due to his wealthy, enabling family and his addiction. It's obvious, as you said, that his commitment to rehab and recovery is not real and I don't think the 4th time is a charm.
Live- You're right, there is nothing I can do today. In fact, I believe there is nothing I can do at all, ever. I don't want to say something as nasty as there's no hope for him, but I think it is going to be a long time before I can be hopeful for him and his recovery. He has so much ahead of him and I can't knowingly and willingly get myself into this drama-filled life when the same pattern continues. As suki said, it's insanity. I wish I could also remove myself emotionally and I know with time I will be able to. I have pretty much made up my mind that I am moving on, unless there is some serious action and continued recovery on his part. Until then, i am keeping my distance. Even though my head and heart hurt here because I am up to my ears with all this, I do find some peace in being in my own house, alone, where I can have some peace and quiet and do what I want to do for me. As far as nourishing myself today, I am trying to focus on my house. I feel fortunate to have my own place, which is less than 3 miles from parents. I really don't like the area I grew up in, especially after having lived in California for 2 years, but after getting laid off from a job, this is where I ended up again. At least for now I can consider it a "safe place" for me. Safe from the drama of other people's lives. Today I am going to clean and take pride in what I am responsible enough to live in (feeling appreciative when I think about my bf who has nothing and can't be trusted with anything) and my mom is going to come over for dinner and a movie.
anvil- Thank you!! I was proud of myself too
It took me a little time to do it. I was online everyday checking plane tickets for next day departure for probably 2 weeks. Finally, Sunday night after he got upset after a discussion at home (he can't cope and storms out at the very smallest thing), he went and bought some. He had been clean for about 6 days. This follows Sunday at the bar when we went to watch football and he met 3 guys with good weed and he left me sitting at the bar by myself (not knowing anyone in Austin) for 1.5 hours. Then he lied and got some Sunday night, denying to me all night he was using when all the signs were there (I always know). Then Monday morning, his heroin buddy's mom called and said she looked through her son's phone and him and my bf were in touch and got together the night before. This just proved me and his mom were right. So Monday, I knew it was the right day. So I left... I've missed him incredibly but I'm good at being by myself. I'm an only child and outside of a couple of live-in relationships, I have lived alone. I'm enjoying my quiet time!