Hello everyone - another new day for me.
Yesterday was a bit messy. I have never been non contact with AH but contact has been fairly minimal since separation. The contact from his end has all been full of blame and excuses and lots of hurtful content. Things went quiet for a while and I was really beginning to heal. I started on codependent no more and felt I was making progress.
Yesterday there was a lengthy email and conversation with AH. He denies that alcohol was the root of the problem in our marriage and insists that it was me who ruined everything blah blah same old broken record stuff. He also gives a new explanation for his "seeming drunk" moments in the form of hypoglycemia. Apparantly he went to the Dr a couple of days ago and was told he had low blood sugar (this being 6 weeks after the "drunk without drinking" episode when I called an ambulence for him and he refused to go and get himself checked out - during which time he has told me he felt much much better!). According to him, all of this has nothing to do with the fact that he drank large amounts of 5% beer and then 5.2% cider (cider is not the same thing in UK as USA peeps) steadily for years. When I met him he was starting his day with a can of beer. He claims that he has not had a drink in a couple of weeks and that it has not been a problem for him (even though I witnessed him go through withdrawels on an almost daily basis after he reduced his alcohol intake). He is living in a dry county at the moment -this is probably a good thing.
He continues with his theory that I have brainwashed myself into thinking he is alcoholic and that he can't possibly be cos he only drank a couple of beers a night for the last several months...(in reality this was a minimum of 6 units of alcohol a night but sometimes more and sometimes less - thats just the drinking I knew about).
I tell him that I am dealing with my own issues at this end, tell him I have identified myself as codependent and he responds by saying he is the codependent etc and so on....it goes on and on and on. He tells me what I should have done, gives a picture of life that bears utterly no resemblence to the life I was living with him....in short he saps me of my serenity and my happy inner self. I tell him that even if it was hypoglycemia and not alcoholism that too was his responsibility - to take care of himself, get diagnosed and what woman wants to be with a person who doesn't take care of their basic health needs anyway?
Today I find myself obsessing again, fretting, worrying, trying to make sense out of things he has said that ulitmately make no sense to me....wondering what he could have ever seen in a woman so vile as the picture he paints of me...all the usual head absorbing energy wasting codie stuff..so I get on with getting the children to school and taking care of what needs to be taken care of then I pick up Melody Beattie and I read the chapter on detatchment. It made me feel a lot better. Its amazing how, even from across the world, I can allow the things he says to bring such a feeling of chaos into my world. I really don't want to go NC with him but clearly contact is not going to change anything for him and at my end it just makes things worse. He seems to think that by relentlessly battering me with blame and accusations he can change me even though I have already made genuine apology and felt real remorse for all the codependent insanity I displayed in our marriage. I am glad I am now in a place where I can detatch with love and not anger as I do care very deeply about him but our inability to communicate in a productive way drives me insane. I always am left feeling I was neither heard nor validated - and rather like I just spent the whole time banging my head against a wall. I am also wondering exactly how much of what I have been told was even the truth!
I am powerless to change him - but I am working as hard as I possibly can on changing me.
Why am I posting this? Mainly just to get it out, help me process it, and because this place has become a real source of support for me.