Hi Misphit....inspirational post. IMO, you are truly "walking the walk" of recovery, a walk that is often far more difficult and confusing for the SO than it is for the alcoholic. I admire your honesty, openmindedness and willingess to walk through to the other side, and wish you the very best on your journey.
Just curious...you mentioned Alanon. Did that program help you with meaningful change and self examination?
In AA we say, "let go and let god." I say that love is always willing to let go. It never clings, never holds on, takes no hostages. Probably the most loving thing I did in my own marriage was to finally leave it....
blessings
zenbear