As i read all the posts here in the mornings i realize how much i still have to learn and I gain strength from all of you who have gone through, and are going through the same things. Living with an alcoholic has really been a battle between me and the illness and i feel that i've lost, but, i realize i had no chance to win to begin with.
My eyes seemed to open up and see things so clearly, all of a sudden, after years in and out of Alanon, and reading everything i could and just wanting so badly to believe the words that came out of the alcoholic's mouth, and now....i see that it was ME who wanted those things and HE who promised them to be able to keep doing what he wanted. It is a terrible illness that has had me living in fear even though i didn't even feel it.
I am packing and collecting what little i can salvage to move on and go back and live in the same area as my kids. I try to spend the bulk of each day visualizing myself peaceful, happy doing some job and spending time with my kids and grandkids. If it is appropriate, i'd like to us this space as a chronicle to keep track of my progress, unless there is someplace else to do that.
The Alcoholic that i am working to get away from has chosen to give up on himself...so that shows me he never had any intention of taking care of himself, but rather to let me do the work and thus take hte blame....i should have let go long ago, but....i wanted so badly for him to want to be "okay"....that is not the case. I have managed to take care of me and i see this step as inevitable, because of that. I am just sorry it has taken me so freakin long to figure this out, but.....i have no regrets because of the time frame. it is sad to me and i do have some resentment toward his choices and the fact that he now runs away from the entire situation is has decided to stay away from the house, just making things harder for me...but i'm sure it is what is easiest for him...sweep things under the rug. i don't call him, or check on him like i once did. if he calls i talk to him and keep it very basic and don't get angry. I do speak the truth and try to be kind about it, but direct and I am being as honest as i can. I am sad that this is the end after 20 years and I am afraid, but excited at the same time. I have cried but will not really feel the void until i no longer have to live in this house and this town with this alcoholic. I hate having to see him coming and going as though he is just enjoying his time, though i know inside he is not. I hate that I have this mess to sort through and have decided that i will NOT clean up anything, but take what i want and leave the rest, just like alanon says.
I love that i am going someplace where alanon exists and i can participate and that i will be among people that love me and can show it!! i love that my children hold no resentments and realize that i was doing what i thought was best because i loved someone and wanted the best for them. I love that my family and friends are so supportive.
Okay....that is my pep talk for today. Today, i will pack, try not to wonder what the alcoholic in my life is doing and feel resentful because i am stuck sorting out this mess and he is off eating in restaurants and just relaxing and taking it easy. I am angry that he refuses to take care of himself but relieved that I know better and feel such clarity. his behavior has reinforced my choices and I am so grateful I am finally even aware that i HAVE choices.....
that is enough for today. I am really grateful for this forum!
