Alice, thanks for your post, it really helped me today.Wonderful and compassionate voices like these are what I need to listen. Very healing.
kia, sometimes even NOTHING has to happen for one to "go back" to that miserable place.. lately I am all triggered and obsessing about an XABF so there is also some others that no longer talk to them but are still engaged in some way. After 2 years, "I should be more than done" and then I feel more inadequate/stupid/sad because 2 years might be too much according to someone else's timeline - but its not them that live my life. Anyway, to accept one is spending too much energy in another person is a starting point to go back to a more peaceful state of mind. You can start NC right this minute and change your phone #.
Repeat with me this mantra:"I deserve everything". My therapist told me to repeat it this week....
Can you get a copy of "Codependent no more" by Melody beatty? It is a wonderful book.