Getting it out
A couple of things…
1. After speaking with my therapist earlier in the week, he convinced me that AH and I were at a stand still. We are barley speaking and have zero communication skills left, we are living separately and I have no desire to see or speak with him. But for my own emotional well being I can’t stay in this place. My therapist thinks we need to try marriage counseling even if it’s just for me to get out my anger and tell him it’s over. Otherwise he’s afraid I’ll could stay in this place for a long time and not move on and heal. Ok I buy it even though I don’t have any desire to go. But I’m also not ready to declare to the world that I want a divorce.
2. What a weekend!! It was the first one alone in the apartment since I made AH leave and reclaimed my space. I woke up on Saturday feeling lonely and bad for myself, but soon realized that the weekend I had planned really wasn’t much different from one when AH was around. He always worked nights and weekends.
So I picked myself up and went about my plans. Until AH called. I told him we need go to counseling or it’s over end of story. He immediately started going on about work, a typical response. I’ve tried to get him in counseling before, so I had no expectations going in. Anyway to shorten the story. He told me he could go next week. So I said fine I’ll email you a list of counselors and my availability and you make the appointment.
Ball in his court. I’m tired of it all. I got of the phone furious and went for a bike ride cursing for 10 blocks straight. Then last night while trying to fall asleep I got scared of the future and angry all over again. Still trying to let it go and just get through the today.
Ahhhhh thanks I needed that