I know the pain...
The hurt of loving someone whose addiction(s) come first in their life. The man i loved had many! He was first and foremost..an alcholic. And ive experienced his addiction to pornography, which was just as devestating to me as the alchol addiction. An everyday weed habit...which he smoked very often. I felt so alone. We were together for 6 years. I left a total of 5 times. But with each time i found stength and i found out im a stronger person than i thought i was! Ive had my share of tears...crying at times as though someone had died. I thought i was loosing my mind. But i realized someone was dying...and that person was ME! With every broken promise which i clinged to..wanting to believe with all my heart that THIS TIME he really sees what hes doing to me..to us. Ive been cursed so many times..choked...pushed..told i was crazy. That im insecure,jealous, just basically told how worthless i am! And then...when i would leave i was told how wrong he was about everything..and how he just cant live without me! And how he would do ANYTHING to have me back in his life!!! There was no pleasing this man! Nothing was ever good enough for him. There were some wonderful times...but the bad outweighted the good!! I once was a very happy...outgoing...always smiling and laughing kinda person. By the time the relationship was ALMOST OVER...i was sad, hurt,untrusting,empty,broken and didnt know who i was anymore! So i woke up one day and said TO HELL with what will it take to make him better...i need to get out of this...im expecting too much from this broken person!! When he wants help he will find it! Ive gave six years of my life and put my heart into helping him...loving him..experincing abuse thru the few days..sometimes weeks when he actually did seek sobriety. It was short lived because he always would go back to his first love Alchol!! And never did he give up his love of porn!! What do i WANT or NEED from a man who wants everything to be about him...and have me waiting on the sidelines of addiction...Ive spent many nights alone looking at him passed out and cry for him and for his life.. helping him get to bed safely and there i lay beside him...ALONE and EMPTY. No arms to hold me..NO VOICE to comfort me and tell me everything will be ok. And no longer wanting to hear anymore broken empty words of we can get thru this!!! When i realized that i was becomming sicker than he ever thought of being...i started telling myself YOU need to let go and MOVE ON!! Its time to wake up and take care of myself. Its been almost 6 months...and i have read books on addiction and abuse.. and ive kept my focus on ME!!! and what I WANT AND NEED. I have a responsibility to MYSELF!! Ive been given one life to live....and im responsible for what i do with it!! Im getting stronger by the day!!! And im so thankful for the peace i now have. I wake up everymorning thankful to be free...i wouldnt trade this for ANYTHING!! I pray for the man i shared those six years with....i hope he finds freedom one day!! I forgive him for all the hurt and pain our relationship brought. Im thankful for what ive learned..and am still a work in progress!!