Originally Posted by
tiredntn 
we spoke with her rehab (& marriage) counselor. not sure what it accomplished.... she made it seem like it was my fault. he said she had not dealt with resentment issues. blah blah blah..... i am very frustrated & angry.
i am trying not to make any major decisions until the emtions have settled. but that is the question. when will this happen?
thanks again for input
Alcoholics commonly blame-shift. It is a tactic used to remain in denial. She is blaming you, but really denying the responsibility for her own actions. It takes effort to be able to detach from that kind of frustration.
It helped me to visualize that type of blame-shifting as the A dumping their "stuff" at my feet (like a loaded suitcase). I have the choice of how I respond to that load of stuff at my feet. I can choose to pick it up and carry it around for the A, I can choose to trip over it and bloody my nose, or I can choose to step around it and go about my day.
Good on you for recognizing that your emotions are high right now. You are doing great. I learned that there are three stages to recovery:
Stage one is awareness
Stage two is acceptance
Stage three is action
Right now you are aware of her addiction, you are aware of you emotions. Good
Next is accpetance and it seems that is where you have been this past week. You are accepting you are powerless over her addiction, you are accepting your emotions.
Stage three is the actions we take for our well-being. Sometimes it takes anger to push us into action. Therefore, anger can be a healthy emotion for our recovery.
I learned more about grieving and my emotions from reading Melody Beatties book "Codependent No More". I previously thought of anger as a bad emotion. I shouldn't let people know I am angry. I should stuff it down and keep it hidden. Not a healthy attitude! I had to learn to express my anger in healthy ways. Ways that do not harm another individual. As a parent, I also had to teach my children healthy ways to express anger.
What works for me: cursing and hitting a pillow. Power walking - putting on sneakers and pounding the pavement for a few miles. And one of the best things for me: getting in my car, cranking up the stereo, screaming and hitting the passenger seat if needed. One of the best Alanon meetings I had was after I screamed and cursed my way to a meeting. I arrived hoarse at the meeting. The funny part - I was the second person to arrive hoarse that night!
Hang in there. You are doing great!