have you said awful things in anger?
last night, after a fight with adult son, i feel so worthless. i said things in anger, again. he knows which buttons to push, even telling me that i use him as a scapegoat!
it all happened over something so stupid. i was sooo angry tho, and even went up to him and made little punches on his arm- not hard- but i felt so ugly and childish afterward. he was being so nasty to me, it was late, i worked late, and had to get up in am.( all cause he wanted instant tea. and i had brought some home, and he did not notice it on the counter.) i just thought he was insisting to have his food card(, which i use, as i work in grocery and do the shopping,) to get vanilla- to drink- as he has sometimes threatened to do, when he has been over stressed. this is a mess.
my sadness over giving him till the first of the month to be here is overwhelming me, and he has the insanity to say i am using him as a scapegoat for my problems. i pretty much have no problems other than my adult son , who i am sure is on his way to being an alchie, from past drinking habits, is living here, and not making much of an effort to change his life, tho he says he is.
sorry to tell such yukky stuff. i just feel like a crazy monster-mom, and i know that he is pushing me due to his stresses. if he had a dad here, and was yelling f' you in his face, he would probably have grabbed him by the collar and thrown him out- he is not afraid of me, that is for sure, nor respects or appreciates me.
it is hard to pray, when i feel like i am right up there with violent criminals. i was up late, for i could not bear going to bed and having said ugly, which he did too, and we called a truce. he was obviously thinking all day yesterday, about the things i said about alcoholism and him. i just want him to be thinking about what his life may end up like, and what it can do to him. he has not drank for a while, and he is probably getting healthier, brain wise.
i know i cant fix him, but i want him to think about it. if he is not an alcoholic, i want him to be afraid to be one. i know, let go. but how?