I always thought of white knuckling as when stbxah would try not to drink or get high for a period of time for one reason or another (when he was doing his Master recital-hard to do some of that music when your brain is mush OR when I threw the huge co-dependent threat-stop or I leave). Yeah, like I left. He even went to treatment for a month-then he started again. Empty threats.
As soon as I started to work on me my white knuckling stopped. I had not even realized what a white knuckler I was. We co-dependents can be just as bad as our alcoholics at trying to hang on to something as hard as we can-like we will fall off the face of the earth if we do not control our A's every movement. Then one day-we discover we cannot even control ourselves!
I agree with what others said-what are you going to do now that you have read Co-Depedent No More and know that you are co-dependent?
wicked I also liked what you said--it is a good visualization of slowly letting go of what we cannot control and opening ourselves up to let go and let God.
Sometimes it will feel like a freefall and it will be scary but HP is your parachute so hang on.
I lived your existence with 2 young boys-it was not good for them. I really did not want them growing up thinking this is what marriage is. This is what life is. I am also an ACoA-it is not fun to not learn what is normal.