Hi Hurtingagain and Welcome back.
I just wanted to send you some big virtual HUGS...I remember what it's like to wish your AH would hit you so you wouldn't have to don that Bad Guy Mantle and be the awful one who leaves.
I'm a card-carrying Codie and I have to say, I HATE being the bad guy. But I've done it and I'll keep doing it for the sake of my little girl. I remember my XAH's protests when he felt indignant that I wanted to leave him..."But I never even touched you! You don't know how good you've got it...". Yeah honey, I've got it sooooo good being robbed of thousands of $$$ to pay for your booze and cigarettes, I've got it REAL good picking up the endless cans of empties, the broken glasses and sticky alcohol spills from when you shake too much...yah it's a girl's dream marriage.
/rant.
I know how you feel. Perhaps it's time to go to an Al-Anon meeting, even if it's just an online one to start with? You sure could use some support.
Keep posting and reading! SR is always here.