Seems to me, just from reading your post (can you please separate it in paragraphs next time? It's awfully hard to read the big block of text), that you are working very hard on not controlling your AH. That's awesome.
However, I wonder what your next step will be. From where I sit, the situation is slowly becoming intolerable. I've lived as roommates with my XAH. It was sad. I never knew what he was doing, and I tried my best to avoid him because I knew that our contact would quickly devolve into conflict.
At some point, you may have to decide if you want to continue living your life like this, avoiding him, co-existing as virtual strangers, while your children grow up alongside you, seeing this dissociation. It can't be good for them. It's obviously not good for you, seeing as you've got so much anger and resentment inside you...which will need to come out at some point and be resolved.
So, tell us...What do YOU want for yourself? Where do you see yourself in 5 years? How do you want to get there?