stilllearning

Hi Jaguar,

I'm so sorry that you're going through this and I relate to a lot of what you're saying. I was in a relationship with a man I would have described as a "rare gem" too. He was an alcoholic and my "rare gem" didn't ever physically abuse me but he verbally and emotionally abused me before openly cheating on me and accusing me of being "paraniod" for noticing.

There was a great post on here recently - I think it was from Barbwire. Me, personally, that "zing" that you're describing - the feeling that he's irreplaceable, the chemistry - I felt all of that too. Because I was trained to confuse alcoholism with love as a child. I finally realized that, for me at least, I didn't love him "despite" the disease but because of it. I too would have said a year ago that I loved my "rare gem" who was a rare gem aside from (XYZ ...) But I had it backwards. There is no way that I would have been as hooked on a relationship that didn't have the disease of alcoholism underpinning it. Those butterflies in the stomach that I've been mistaking for "love" for yeeeears, that "chemistry" is anxiety, triggered by many years of experience with alcoholism dating back to early childhood.

I don't know if this is too much to get your head around right now. But try to consider that the "aside from" stuff is actually what is keeping you hooked. And that there will be more of it to come. I don't know whether this is your first experience with alcoholism but for me, my reaction to that relationship had deep roots that I'm currently working through.

And on his being able to "feel" his emotions after a week sober - take into account the fact that depending on how much he's been drinking, he may well go through alcoholic withdrawal. It's worth hitting the newcomers threads on here to see what kind of shape people can be in after a week sober. Undoing the damage of this disease takes serious work and time - and you have to really want it.

Hugs,

SL.