... I don't know if I can be happy and intimate in the relationship again if I never get acknowledgment from him that he behaved like a real sh*t to me for months. Any attempt on my part to get that validation from him is met with something along the lines of "I just wanted to get a free pass once in my life, and not have to apologize for my behavior when I'm grieving the loss of my mom" or "I'm trying to accept that you have your own flaws and can't support me as completely as I wish you could." (When I try to explain that um, I can't keep supporting you when you're being hostile and blaming everything under the sun on me, because I'm a person too and can't just keep eating your anger all the time... which is not me being unable to support you because I'm weak and flawed and selfish, it's me being unable to support you because you keep hurting me!) And in the meantime, of course, because he's feeling better, he doesn't understand my periods of hurt or distance... because he can't acknowledge his part in the behavior that led to the hurt in the first place.
Thanks for sharing. Sounds to me like he is using the death of his mother as an excuse for his bad behavior. I agree and support you in your need for validation.
I have had to learn how to communicate my needs to people who I am in a relationship with. I also do my best to adjust to THEIR quirks, or accommodate their needs, as much as possible. I have had to work to find a healthy balance in this department. I have had to consciously examine things to decide for myself: at what point does accommodating others, and accepting that others do not respect my needs, turn unhealthy? At what point are they just plain toxic? Recently I have examined, at what point do I stop accepting and even welcoming into my life people who IGNORE my needs in the relationship? There are just some basic things that need to exist in any relationship and I have found that folks with history of drug and alcohol dependence who do not examine and work on themselves just do not HAVE those relationship skills.
I can be a very nasty person, miserable to live with, grouchy and all that. Those are times when I am just not happy in my own skin. But it is UNFAIR and UNHEALTHY to need or expect my spouse or significant other to live with or accommodate me when I act this way. It is MY responsibility to recognize what I need, which in all likelihood is a psychiatrist if I am spewing out negativity and toxicity all the time and cannot control it. Not fair to put my responsibilities for recognizing I need a therapist and/or psychiatrist to deal with this on a spouse or significant other. Not fair to expect a S.O. to tolerate my illness/issues or my continued neglect of my needs to get help.
In ALL relationships we ALL need boundaries. If I do not acknowledge this, I just ignore how what I am doing within and to myself affects others. IMO, in your situation, someone or another needs to work on boundaries.
And, IMO, taking nasty $hit off a person for months is just not your responsibility. What he describes to you IMO is a codependent type of "support" and I don't blame you for not wanting to be involved with someone who acts and thinks that way. I personally have gotten to the point where I cannot and will not accept or allow that type of person into my life anymore. I will give them a chance. If they spew their diarrhea mouth and attitude on me, I will ask them to adjust and tell them why it affects me. Without judgment, blame, shame or condescension I will tell them specifically what it is I would like for them to do or stop doing. And then, if they don't care to work on that, they are OUT of my life. This is how I have learned to maintain MY peace and serenity.