I could have SOOO written your exact post, too, Desiree. So at least know that you are for sure not alone. It took me a LOOOONGG time to get "OK" with being happy in my life regardless of what was going on in myXAH's, and I would still say that I'm maybe 80% there instead of 100%, but in the last few weeks, I have felt leaps and bounds better than I used to feel. I have been in therapy since our divorce and occasionally attend Al-Anon, but the biggest difference to me was going no contact, which is what many people here advise. I used to think that was just so cruel, that I couldn't add to his burden that way, but after I helped him out monetarily the last time and he again used my money to drink himself out of a job that could have kept him out of the gutter, I finally got that not only could I not cure him, some of my "helping" was actually quite harmful to him.
My ex was in the Salvation Army before (but of course, he left before completing the program). They will take anyone in (any straight male anyway, but that's another kettle of corn) regardless of money, situation, etc. I have cheated in one aspect on complete "no contact", because I read my XAH's emails that he sent to my work account. His last one was very pitiable, saying that if I wouldn't help him now, he would probably die, and how was I going to explain that to our daughter? I sent him back an email that said, "I would only help you if you COMPLETED Salvation Army's program or a comparable rehab and needed help getting into a sober house." Some would say that's me being too interfering or controlling, but it was what I felt I wanted to say--I wanted it known that if he chose recovery I would extend a (limited) helping hand. And I will help in that circumstance. And if he doesn't do that, I don't think there is any chance his story will end happily. And today? My conscience is clean knowing all of that. I'm still sad for him, but it's not wearing ME down like it used to.