Hi all,
So glad to have found the forum, and after reading a few posts looking for some convenient way to slip in and "accidentally" introduce myself, I figured what the heck, may as well do it properly!
Been with my recovering alcoholic boyfriend for 10 years, and in that time had many wonderful years... and the occasional shocking periods of classic "dry drunk" behavior when he was under stress and felt he "deserved" to act out. For the most part, these have been very few, and far between enough that I've felt like, ok, this isn't my favorite, but I know what this is, we've both had hard lives and complicated histories, this hardly ever happens, and the relationship is great enough the rest of the time that I can handle the very infrequent behavior (thanks Alanon for showing me how!).
But this summer his mom died, and he's an only child, horribly abusive stepfather who's out of the picture, really damaged extended family; so of course it's been a very long, messy and painful summer. My mom committed suicide when I was 22, so I understand what it's like to lose a parent and have no problem with being around through that process and being supportive...
But wow. It's triggered the worst and longest episode of dry drunk I've
ever seen, and for months now I've been miserable, feeling gaslit and silenced as I take more and more hostility and blame and walk on eggshells in the name of "supporting him while he's grieving". It's been so long since this has happened and I was trying so hard to be supportive that it took months for me to finally look at the dynamic between us and say: Hey, I remember this! (Duh.) Ironically, of course, it was when his grief finally started to lessen, his behavior started to improve, and the crisis passed... when I could start to breathe and look around me a little more.
So now he's getting better, and all my anger and hurt from the months of selfishness, rage and total lack of responsibility for hurtful behavior are surfacing. Yesterday I found the forum and finally started to detach and change my behavior. Within minutes the complaining and blaming were gone, replaced with kisses and "are you mad at me? What can I get you for dinner?" It was so predictable, like a puppy needing attention, that all I could do was laugh.
So I'm better, and I know I can handle this if I choose to. But the question is whether I choose to. So many good years, and so little of this behavior! but this time it went on for so long, and did so much damage to me before I saw the cycle; even with things going 'back to normal' now, I don't know if I can be happy and intimate in the relationship again if I never get acknowledgment from him that he behaved like a real sh*t to me for months. Any attempt on my part to get that validation from him is met with something along the lines of "I just wanted to get a free pass once in my life, and not have to apologize for my behavior when I'm grieving the loss of my mom" or "I'm trying to accept that you have your own flaws and can't support me as completely as I wish you could." (When I try to explain that um, I can't keep supporting you when you're being hostile and blaming everything under the sun on me, because I'm a person too and can't just keep eating your anger all the time... which is not me being unable to support you because I'm weak and flawed and selfish, it's me being unable to support you because you keep hurting me!) And in the meantime, of course, because he's feeling better, he doesn't understand my periods of hurt or distance... because he can't acknowledge his part in the behavior that led to the hurt in the first place.
So that's where I am... trying to see if I can go forward with him, wondering about going forward without him, and taking it one day at a time. I know I can accept him for who and what he is, but I don't know if I can continue to be with him after how much hurt I took this year, if he can never see it. On the one hand, so much time without this behavior and so much good time; but I don't know if I can get past it this time if he can't accept responsibility... and we all know what it's like to expect that
It's entirely possible after some more time and more of the grieving process has passed, he'll be back to where he usually is, able to see all of this with clearer eyes and take his part in it. But who knows when that will be and whether I want to wait for it.
So, feeling blessed that I remembered what the heck this all was and what I can do about it, and that I found the forum and you lovely people to help me remember and give me a place to speak where I know I'll be understood... and feeling very sad that a mostly wonderful relationship might be coming to an end... and just waiting and seeing, and taking deep breaths, with love for all of us.
thanks for letting me share
Julie