Hi katie,
I know how much it hurts... have you read the Sticky "Classic section"?
Here I learned addicts share traits and they act that way whether you are in the picture or not. Nothing personal its just what they do. Of course to me it all seemed VERY PERSONAL. But time away from him and his friends have made me realize actions are the ones that count. I hope you can go no contact soon. The first weeks it will suck, but afterwards you will gain much clarity and peace, and be able to process all the events and heal - and find out why you confuse this with love. I have distorted views about love. I hope you can get to therapy, as this is really tough stuff (mourning an addict that is still active) and trying to make sense of it alone is almost impossible... well at least it was impossible for me. Talking to others who get addiction/codependence is priceless. I felt so, so lonely, I hope you reach out and remember you are not alone - others have healed from similar experiences and you will heal too. Takes time and work but its possible!