trying hard to take things 1 day at a time, lately things were stirred up again with my AH and it has in some ways put me back to square one. I was informed that he was in the hospital and went to visit him (what a drama that was) and I made amends to him regarding what we did to each other the last 9 months and I felt good knowing that if anything happens to him at least he knows the truth and he truly loves me. he fully understands and admits this was all caused by pain meds and he needs detox. BUT, I cant help but get these sad,guilty feelings all over again. Im still dealing with addiction but now CML involved and I had to step away once more after talking to him and the young girl (I call her bonnie and her husband clyde) because I saw red flags big time. But I cant help but feel somehow I am aiding his destiny which can be death, most likely from the drugs,but I feel guilty that I cant help him with his serious health issues, which is what a wife should do. but then I think, if he were sober and at home I would be there for him. and what do I do with my life while he is ill? I again feel guilty trying to enjoy my days while he suffers, I know thats his choice but no matter what I feel this. yesterday I ran into a friend of ours and apparently him and bonnie were talking bad about me in the hospital,that hurt (but again,I know why) and immediately I crashed, was ready to retaliate,but thankfully from this forum I have learned to control it. I have to go with No contact again and I fear that will put him in a downward spiral, okay okay I know I know he chose this..someone hit me over the head!! to top it off, he tells people we are temporarily seperated (doesnt say about the drugs) and tells "funny looking" guys this as well, so I have this guy who looks like alfred e.newman checking me out!! that helps my ego..LOL..Im just confused, overwhelmed and trying my hardest to take care of myself and feel lost and Im very scared
