Thread: I'm so lost...
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Old 09-11-2010, 06:34 PM
  # 117 (permalink)  
wanting
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
For one thing, please believe this: If it is meant to be between you and this man, then there is nothing in the world that will ultimately keep you apart. Not even if you decide to take your time and have some space from his incessant texting and calling in order to clear your head. You need the space to think. You are lost, as your username indicates.

There is no rush. There is no need to move in. There is no need to make a decision right now. But you will never make a clear decision if you don't have the space to think without his interference.

The stakes are too high to move in right now. You talk about "what if" he's being genuine. Well, what if he's not? You bring your son into this nightmare of a situation and it happens again. Only now you've sold your house, maybe married the guy, maybe had a kid with him, who knows? It's a million times harder to leave. What then?

Although it's not necessary to make a decision now, your life will be a million times easier if you decide to end the relationship. I see red flags all over the place, nevermind the cheating and lying that has taken place throughout your relationship.

He doesn't respect you.

He sees that your self-esteem is so low that you will buy into the idea of having some prince rescue you from your lonely, dismal existence.

He doesn't even pretend to think that you are whole in and of yourself.

He sees that your life has a void that he can fill.

His texts are all about him, not about you and your pain, but about him and his "compulsions."

He excuses his disgusting behavior by calling it a compulsion.

If this were a long term marriage, then I would say, maybe there's a chance that it can be saved. But this man played Prince Charming and the entire time he was f**king someone else behind your back.

Now he's playing Prince Charming again. This is just plain math to me.

Prince Charming January to August = GIANT LIAR AND CHEATER.

Prince Charming September to ... = ???

So, here's what I would ask you to do.

1. This choice would be the smartest. LEAVE. NO CONTACT. THERAPY ALONE. MOVE ON. You are 6-ish months into a relationship that has been nothing but lies. You had your dealbreakers list all set up and he has committed a pretty atrocious dealbreaker. Do you want to change your list or do you want to find someone who meets the criteria?

OR

2. This choice is not as good as the first one and will prolong your pain a lot more, for you and your son. TAKE A BREAK. NO CONTACT. SORT YOURSELF OUT. Find out what your dealbreakers are if you plan to lower your standards. Find out why you're so enamored with the idea of having a Prince Charming. Figure out if you will ever be able to trust this man again. Figure out what boundaries you will set in relationships. If you do end up back with this person, figure out what your boundaries will be and what you will need from him so that he can regain your trust.

But please, pick 1.

One more thing, I'm not clear - did you tell your sn about the situation? Is that why he said what he said about forgiveness? For one thing, I think you should leave your son out of your drama. For another thing, this would be a fantastic opportunity to teach him what forgiveness really is. It's not being a doormat or inviting abuse. You can leave and still wish the guy well and still forgive him. It would be sh*tty if your son learned that forgiveness means we have to buy into people's bullsh*t and invite it again and again.

I know this may sound harsh. Trust me, I've been in the place of denial and wishing that it werent so. I needed a Sassy Gay Friend.

wanting is offline