Just sitting down to write this post has brought me to tears. I'm still in a fog over what has just happened to me that it sometimes takes my breath away. Since I don't know where to begin... I suppose the "beginning" would be the best place to start.
I divorced an ACTIVE alcoholic (he is still drinking today) in December 2007. Together about 12 years. He never cheated (my opinion all my life has always been, CHEATING IS GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION OF THE RELATIONSHIP - PERIOD) - In any of my adult relationships, i have never been cheated on. Hmmm.. let's say for reality purposes that I've never KNOWN that I was ever cheated on and I've never broken up with or have been broken up with by someone because of cheating. He never physically abused me either, but the mental and drunken verbal abuse was overwhelming and horrible (because he drank at home - always - every day) and the lack of "attention" from him was heartbreaking...he refused to recognize his problem (and I never went to Al Anon) so - we split up. We have a 10 year old son together.
I stayed TOTALLY single, concentrating completely on my son and my job until December of 2009 when I met what I thought was "a man sent to me by God"... and this is how it happened: (i will get to why this type of post is being placed on Sober Recovery.com)
This man's daughter (18) and sister (38) work at a Convenient store across from my house. I'd been going there for years... for 6 months leading up to December 2009, every single time I walked into the store, this man's daughter and sister would come up to me and say "You really need to let me give me brother or dad - (depending on who was saying this to me at the time) your phone number!!!" And for 6 months I told them "thanks so much, but I just don't do blind dates". Needless to say, they were very persistent everytime I came into that store. Finally, they caught me on a good day and I just said "OK!!"... and so the saga begins
He is 41 years old and 10 YEARS SOBER.... 10 YEARS!!! I hope after what you've read above, you can see how that would attract me to him! NO ALCOHOL! WOW! I'm gonna LOVE this... I am not a drinker AT ALL... perfect! He was married for quite a long time -but he changed (became sober) and she did not... they've been divorced now 6 years.
He told me that in those 6 years... it was his 1st girlfriend, immediately after his divorce that he said the words "I love you" too. Only one. Since, he has never said it, nor felt it.
I had him up on a pedistal... now, not to HIM necessarilly... but to my family & friends I placed him high on a pedistal. Sober 10 years, still close with his sponsor, goes to yearly silent retreats with monks, weekly meetings still, does many leads, takes care of his home, job and kids - and continued to pride himself with the same words to me, over & over: "I do not lie Lisa... that is detrimental to my recovery and against all that I've learned in my recovery - I DO NOT LIE" - he has said these words so much that I hear it in my head every day right now - and continue to weep over it, constantly.
I also hear in my head the words that were spoken in LATE February (2 months in)... when HE asked ME to be "his" and be in a committed relationship with him... HE ASKED THIS OF ME... also telling me that he has never wanted THAT either in the 6 years he's been divorced (maybe a 'little bit' he'd say about that 1st girlfriend). So.... it was going so well (in my mind) and he was saying all the right/perfect things that of course I said YES!! I hadn't felt that kind of happiness in 15+ years.
April arrives (4 months in), he tells me that he loves me for the first time... with a twinkle in my eye I respond with the same "I love you so much too!" He also tells me (this is a very important part of the story to me) that he STRONGLY belives that it is now time that he meets my son. Let me explain... this man is my 1ST BOYFRIEND since my son was born! I made a very strict rule for myself that I would not be introducing any man to my son (to avoid him getting attached quickly, because my boy would.. his father isnt much of a father) until I knew FOR SURE that he was the one... I was only trying to protect him. Well, even after him asking me to commit and then telling me he loves me, I was still very worried as it is still a very new relationship and I'm protective over my son... as all parents are. BUT - he pushed and continued to tell me OVER AND OVER - directly to my face: "you are all I have ever wanted or needed and I want us to mve forward together in our lives and I want to be a part of your sons life - PLEASE!" So - he convinced me it was time. Of course they hit it off and became 'friends' quite quickly.
In May, he tells me that one day "I'm going to make you my wife". WOW. WOW! He said I was never going to marry again... ever! But you! Your so different! Can you only imagine how wonderful this made me feel? I don't know that I can express in words how FANTASTIC it felt... again - I havent felt this kind of "true" happines in 15 years. (really.. more than that).
August 15, 2010 arrives and he asks me (and my boy of course) to move in with him. WOW AGAIN! But... this would mean a lot of changes.. big ones... including a little boy.... this means that I would have to sell my home (the home I worked very hard to buy all on my own) I would have to change my sons school (something I hold very true to my heart that I thought I would NEVER do to my child - as my childhood was horribly unstable) My son has been going to the same school with the same children since PRESCHOOL - for 6 years! So, to change my sons school was a BIG, BIG DEAL.
We sat down with my son and talked it over... my son said YES! I want to move in with him, YES!, but do I have to change schools? We told him yes. Even though he was very sad about it... he weighed it out in his mind and said "OK... I can do this - when will we move?" We told him that our target date was October 1st - and this very smart little boy said... "Mom, school will be starting next week... can I start this new school THEN, instead of having to be the "new kid" in October?" I was soooo impressed with his thought pattern and his strength that I agreed "what a GREAT idea!". That week, I went through the motions to withdraw him from his school and enroll him in the NEW school. He has been going to the new school now since August 24th. This is important... I've changed my sons LIFE here !!!
So, here goes...
On Sunday morning, August 29, 2010 - this man got up early to go to work at a side job. Now, let me first start by saying... I have NEVER - my hand to God - snooped and looked in his cell phone... NEVER. But... 4-5 weeks ago he bought a new phone... and that morning he left his OLD phone on the night stand, next to the bed. I cannot tell you what the force was exactly that made me roll over and grab that phone... but I can tell you that part of me wishes I never had. I went to the photos... I will try not to be to descriptive, but the magnitude of it it UNREAL. I found a picture, dated MAY 12, 2010 (right around the time I was told "I want to make you my wife someday", more convincingly than anyone has ever spoke to me before). The picture was of a NAKED woman in HIS KITCHEN, bent over and clutching his refrigerator. There were other pictures of them out in a restaraunt dated in February.. March... and June and other naked pictures from other daysd thoughout my ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM! Not to mention the plethora of text messages to and from her. Did I mention this woman is married? wow.
I lost my mother 7 years ago... I had never felt loss like that before then... and I had never felt pain like that again until NOW. Crushed, betrayed, lied to in such a sophisticated way... such a masterful liar
I sent him a message that morning that I looked in his phone and told him what I had found... i was soooo hurt and angry (understandably I hope?) I'm telling you I was IN SHOCK... literally physical SHOCK. I told him to never contact me again, that what he did to me... carrying on a relationship with another woman THE WHOLE TIME (ouch...OMG ouch) was unforgivable and that he will never see my face again. And that i hate him
and now look what I have to do with my son and what do I tell him and how could you do this?? He just begged for forgivness and would ONLY admit to what I had as proof in that phone.
Now...some may not agree with what I'm about to say that I ALSO did... but I have to be honest and tell you ALL, otherwise you can't help me... I found this woman's husband and I called him. I felt strongly that he should know was happening. The next day - SHE CALLED ME! SHE was apologizing TO ME!? Swears she didn't know about me and wouldn't have done this if she had. That her marriage was close to over anyhow, but claims she didn't want to hurt me and then actually cried when i told her about my son.... she continued to swear she that she didn't know about me and my son. She told me everything. EVERYTHING. Things he prayed she wouldn't... actually, he was texting her while I was talking to her begging her to "shut up, enough damage has been done, she is hurt enough, dont tell her anymore!" But she said at this point she had nothing to lose... and wanted to make sure I knew what an absolute liar he was so that I wouldnt "even think about patching things up with him" She told me things that right now are choking me of air just to think about it.
Now that I have probably truly bored you crying the blues here... I'm going to finally get to the reason why I'm posting this HERE. It's because I need help from YOU. My friends, my family... they can't help me, they are too close - and IF I were to tell them (no, I havent told ANYONE) they would FOR SURE angrily tell me that I better be running in the other direction right now... right? Right.
So, if you are still reading this... I hope it's because you have some educated and experienced advise about this "type" of alcoholic... i dont even know if i said that right, i'm obviously so uneducated when it comes to active or receovering alsoholics. But I am lost and torn. And I need HELP... I need EDUCATED AND EXPERIENCED HELP FROM YOU. because here is where I am today, Septmeber 10, 2010:
He wouldn't let me nor will he now "let" me break up with him! Please don't get me wrong.. I'm not a silly school girl and he is not threatening IN ANY WAY... what I mean by he won't let me is.... he is QUITE CONVINCING?? The therapist called him a "master manipulator -a master liar.....but he is begging for forgiveness. He tells me that he CANNOT let me go... that this is the biggest mistake he has ever made -EVER- since the day he stopped drinking. That he is full of shame, that he cannot look himself in the mirror without crying. That it ripped a hole in his heart to see the pain I am in... pleading that I go to counseling with him... that he can promise and assure me that it would never ever happen again. That he is going to re-start his 12 steps with his sponsor becasue his sponsor feels this "must have been a form of self-sabotage" Self-Sabotage?? What?? That he truly feels allll of those things for me, but never ever thought that he would or could feel those feelings for a woman... the feeling of being in love. That he fought it and fought it out of fear of being hurt.
RELENTLESS! in not letting me go.... He is insistant that whatever it was that was wrong with him he is going to fix. that the way he was living was awful and he is going to fix it. that his consequence is the pain he caused me and my son and everyone around us - his entire world was turned upside down and no one in his life claim to have ever seen him with emotions like this and feelings like this for a woman - ever. His best friend of 37 years said he never knew this man could feel anything towards a woman.. let alone this much love and emotion.
What the heck happened? omgoodness, i'm beside myself trying to figure out what happened... what IS happening?
i begged him to tell me what, if anything i may have done wrong - just as a learning and growing tool. he claims -he swears i did NOTHING. he tells me im the most loving and trusting and sincere, happy -sweetest woman he has ever known. i said in our short relationship, have i ever denied you "intimacy" and he answered truthfully - NO. So i beg him and i beg God through my tears to tell me why. WHY? If he is so in love with me, how could he do what he has done?
I'm a strong, independent woman... who would drop a guy for MUCH MUCH less. PLEASE.... tell me...
Why am I not gone? Why am I even still considering giving him the chance to attempt to earn my trust back?
Will i really EVER truly trust him again? Will i ever forgive him?
I am praying now and once I post this I will continue to pray that someone out there on this site has the time in their busy lives to have read this post and have some helpful insight, experience and/or advise for me.
I PRAY.
Thank you so much for listening... i wrote so much because if i want true advise... you would have to know just about all of it.