anonyme

My husband started drinking when he was 15 or so. He's 31 now. We have been married nearly 10 years and have 4 children, ages ranging from 8 months to 8 years. The drinking didn't really become a problem until the past few years. A few years ago he slipped a disk in his back and has been under a lot of pain and stress (a few job changes) in the time since. He has begun to use alcohol to deal with these things. A few months ago, I found out he was using pills as well. He got some pain pills from his sister and stole some from my Dad's house (my Dad recently passed away from cancer and some of his pain medication was left over and stored in their bathroom.) I was ready to leave him over this and gave him an ultimatum. I told him that I have an obligation to keep our children safe, and if that means removing them from his house, then that's what I'll do. I told him that if I find out he is using, selling, stealing or in any kind of possession of ANY drug or medicine that was not prescribed to him I will leave. Period.

Basically, if I let him, he'll drink at least a 6-pack a night on week days and more than that on the weekends. He has a hard time leaving beer in the fridge. If it's there, he'll drink it. He will lie to me to get beer or money to buy it. The cycle we are in is he will drink and drink and drink and when I've had enough, I blow up. He'll quit for a little while, any where from a few days to a few weeks and then start drinking again. Last week he mentioned going to AA meetings. He says that he thinks he has a problem, but I don't know if he's just saying that to get me off his back.

The last straw happened this weekend, on Saturday. We went to a family gathering (my family, my grandmother's 84th birthday). I didn't buy any alcohol for him to bring with us. There was plenty there, though, and during the time we were there (about 4 hours or so) he drank 9 beers. Yes, I was counting! I was very upset because toward the end of the afternoon he got in the lake with the 3 older kids. This was after he had drank 6 or 7 beers and he had the last 2 or 3 while in the lake. This was especially dangerous because 2 of the kids in the water can't swim and the water was very rough from all the boats on the water (Holiday weekend). I sat on the shore with the baby and watched very carefully and thankfully nobody got hurt.

I insisted on driving home. After we left, we had to go to my uncle's house to pick up some stuff he gave us. While we were there, my husband got his 10th beer out of the ice chest and started drinking it. Turned out, he had taken 7 beers from other people's ice chests and put them in ours! When we were ready to leave, he got in the car with his beer. I just looked at him and calmly said "I'm not going to drive with that in the car." He put the cap back on and put it in the back of the truck. On the way home, I guess he could tell that I was upset. He wanted to know why - he thought I was mad that he took the kids swimming. I didn't want to tell him why I was mad, but he wouldn't stop asking. I was mad because the week before he had told me that he wanted to slow down his drinking but he had already had 9.5 drinks that afternoon. I told him this. He got so mad. He started practically yelling at me, telling me I was full of it. He said that he hadn't had that many beers. He tried to say that he had left some half empty beers on the table, which isn't true. I know this because I was the one who cleaned up our table, and I really was keeping a close eye on his drinks, taking note of when they were empty and then he had a new full one! Anyway, he was cussing and being really ugly. He told me I was more full of *it* than the cow on the side of the road. This was all in front of our 3 youngest children. When he drinks too much and gets mad at me, I would say his behavior borders on verbally abusive. He's never physically abusive but has been known to put a fist through the wall or a foot through a door. That day he also told me that he's sick and tired of me, sick and tired of me controlling everything he does and being up his behind. He was rubbing it in my face that I stay at home with the kids and said lots of women would kill to be in my shoes. I told him that I'm sick and tired of him and his drinking.

We didn't talk for the rest of the day. When he got home, he drank another 4.5 beers. He left 2. He didn't come to bed that night even though I asked him to repeatedly.

Sunday morning, I wasn't speaking to him. I had done a lot of thinking the night before because I couldn't sleep. I have a website that makes extra money for us, but not much. I haven't been working on it very much in the last year or so. Saturday night, I made the decision that I'm going to start working harder to make more money - an income so that if I have to leave I can. Sunday morning my husband finally sat me down to talk. I told him I didn't want to talk and he kept asking me what was wrong etc etc. I looked him straight in the eye and said "What part of I don't want to talk about it do you not understand? I heard you nice and clear yesterday - you're sick of me. Well, as soon as I can get my income up, I'm outta here. Just give me some time." First, he was mean, saying "Oh, you'll make extra money to leave, but not to help us out financially." He was really upset, though and said he didn't want me to leave, blah blah blah. He said he'll quit drinking and go to AA meetings. He did something on his phone so that he would know when he'd been sober for a month. I basically said, well we'll see. I'm not happy in our marriage and I'm not happy with you. We can try to work on it.

I went to an antique shop with my aunt who was visiting that evening. When I came home, he had cleaned the house. I noticed those 2 beers were gone so I asked him about them. He said that he dumped them out. I don't believe him. I have no reason to believe him. I pretended to believe him, though.

He didn't drink Monday or Tuesday. Yesterday, he came home and asked if I had any money because he wanted to go buy 2 beers. (He buys 24 oz beers, so this is actually 4 drinks.) I told him I had money in my purse. He went and got it and came to give me a kiss. I refused to kiss him. He said "I can't just quit all at once. It's only 2 beers." I didn't say anything. He left and came back with no beer. I was happy about that but it still ruined the mood for the whole day. He still took the money with him when he went to work this morning. He said that he's going to buy a soda today. Again, I don't believe that, but I just said OK.

There is something else he does, and I'm assuming this is normal. Let's say he tells me that he's not going to buy any beer that day and I say something like "Yeah, right", he will buy it anyway just because I said that. Then he acts like it's my fault he drank that day. I know I shouldn't act like that, so I try not to. Is this normal behavior for an alcoholic?

Also, when he tried to kiss me yesterday after getting the money for the beer, was refusing the kiss OK for me? I refuse to act like the drinking is ok anymore, and when I'm mad at him for betraying my trust and going back on his word, I don't want to kiss him.

Finally, I've made the decision that I will no longer buy beer for him. I can't keep his money from him, obviously. He makes the money and if he asks for a few bucks, I'm going to give it to him. (I'm the one who pays the bills and manages the checkbook.) However, if he asks me to go to the store and pick up a few, I'm not going to do it. I feel like this would be enabling. Am I right?

Do you have any other comments or advice for me? I'm sorry this is so long - I had a lot to say! Oh, and we don't have insurance, so medical help isn't really possible.