But every now and then, I picture him alone in his apartment, beer cans strewn on the floor, waking up with that sickly sweet smell coming off him. His paranoia and loneliness when no one returns his calls because he's annoyed them, but he can't remember it. His liver and blood pressure.
It so happens, in my ex's case, that he literally has no people around him who care. At all. No family. And his friends are toxic or indifferent or absent. And it makes me sad.
I believe family and friends do have an obligation to help someone who's suffering. And my understanding is that many in the recovery field also believe this.
Hoo boy. These two beliefs, right here, were at the crux of what kept me feeling "stuck" in my life long after I had divorced my XAH. You also said something about wanting to talk to him to make him feel that he is loved and loveable.
Here's how that worked out for me:
My XAH became convinced that it was just a matter of time before I took him back and we were a happy family again (never mind that we were never a happy family beforehand). He did nothing to change himself, except for dry out for a couple of months here, a couple of months there, and wanted MAJOR kudos from me when he managed to actually work a job--except of course for the fact that he got fired from one after three weeks and quit the other after a month.
Meanwhile, he was always asking me for a handout, either literally (monetary support) or figuratively (wanting me to tell him that we would get back together, which I refused to do). I can't tell you how draining it was having to listen to his manipulation all of the time. And I wasn't always strong enough to resist it, and therefore made some choices that in retrospect, weren't just bad for me, they were bad for him too.
Now I have decided to try the other way, because my way, the kind, soft, supportive way (or so I thought) did NOT work AT ALL to effect any lasting change in my XAH, nor did it make him any happier, and it certainly didn't make me any happier. Now I am working on being OK with letting him go completely, whether he has any other support or not (which I doubt he does, my XAH seems to be in much the same boat as yours with regards to no friends, no family, etc.). Maybe that way, he will be encouraged to seek support from the people who actually COULD help him stay sober--other alcoholics in recovery. Or, if not, I guess he will have to live on the streets or in a hotel room surrounded by beer bottles with that sickly smell coming off of him. He chose it, after all.
Maybe yours won't get as far down as mine. But maybe the day will come for you too where you will have to choose between continuing to be a nice, supportive friend to him or saving yourself. Because hearing about their misery hurts you, too.