Hi L,
I now live on a different continent. I got a reprieve from that painful work of making boundaries. Equally, what I can do from a distance is pretty limited.
I guess all I can mean, is that I will do my best to be his friend from here. Encourage him to move towards the good things in his life. Suspend judgement, when I can. Listen, when I can. Let him know someone loves him and that he's loveable. Stay in at least occasional communication with his dad.
No idea how much impact any of this might have. Probably little, but maybe some.
When I lived with him I was caught up in how his behaviour impacted me, especially at first. Or I'd remind him of things he didn't want to remember - at first, tearfully; later, like a reporter. He blacked out so often he couldn't remember, most times. He's said I made him feel guilty, bad, wrong, even when I stopped criticizing. Then I just detached and stopped commenting - it was easier than dealing with his response.
Now I feel much less invested, personally. I have physical distance, and am busy making and enjoying my life here.
But every now and then, I picture him alone in his apartment, beer cans strewn on the floor, waking up with that sickly sweet smell coming off him. His paranoia and loneliness when no one returns his calls because he's annoyed them, but he can't remember it. His liver and blood pressure.
I guess for the first time, I'm seeing his alcoholism without me in it, and it's scary.
All this is easy for me to say. I never had kids with him. Don't live in the same city. Not judging anyone who right now has to make hard choices on a daily basis, in the middle of madness.