Hi,
Thank you for your responses, and good wishes. It's something to reach out to a stranger in this way...
I'm glad you've found strength and practical help in the sources you have... I guess I have some quibbles with some of the ideas around alcoholism, and codependency.
I'm not obsessed with my ex... I don't think about him all day long. I have my family and friends, and am looking forward to my new life without the ongoing torment between us, and in him. I'm no longer suffocated. I'm grateful. Optimistic, for myself. I have interests, friends, my own world.
For me, codependency means your entire identity revolves around someone else, and their need, as you perceive it; also that you believe you're the only one who can make a difference in their life. When this is not true.
It so happens, in my ex's case, that he literally has no people around him who care. At all. No family. And his friends are toxic or indifferent or absent. And it makes me sad.
I believe family and friends do have an obligation to help someone who's suffering. And my understanding is that many in the recovery field also believe this. For example, from
this site:
Total abstinence and avoiding high-risk situations where alcohol is present are the ideal goals for people with alcoholism. A strong social network and family support are important in achieving this.
...
Many people with alcohol problems don't recognize when their drinking gets out of hand. In the past, treatment providers believed that alcoholics should be confronted about their drinking problems. Now research has shown that compassion and empathy are more effective.
No one is being honest with him. He's totally alone. The dynamic between my ex and I didn't allow that to happen. I'm hoping his father steps in.
People at risk of alcholism, from that same article (being lazy):
Are under peer pressure, especially teens and college-aged students
Have depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders, or schizophrenia
Have easy access to alcohol
Have low self-esteem or problems with relationships
Live a stressful lifestyle
Live in a culture where there is high social acceptance of alcohol use
Access to, and acceptance of alcoholism make a massive difference.
Around bartender liability: the fact is that once someone is already intoxicated, they are no longer in a position to make decisions. Bartenders have, in my province, a
legal responsibility not to serve someone who's already p*ssed. And are (rightly, I think) culpable if they do. (The drinker, it's true, has put him/herself in that position. Because of addiction, which most people understand as a disease.)
I don't think anybody should have to 'hit bottom' in order to be helped. (I also realise I can't make him see things the way I'd like him to. I can only talk to him, and maybe to his father, again. He has to know someone cares.)
Studies find that more people enter treatment if their family members or employers are honest with them about their concerns, and try to help them see that drinking is preventing them from reaching their goals.
I'm out of his life, and into my own. But I won't let him twist in the wind.