Originally Posted by Kindeyes

zbear
I have been attending nar-anon (and al-anon but not as much). But have not really worked the steps like I should. This is why I'm dedicating myself to one step per month here on SR and in my reading and through Nar-anon. They say "it works if you work it" so I'm workin' it.

I think it's particularly helpful to hear from recovering A's. Perhaps they can give me perspectives from the other side of the fence........all I have is the perspective from my own side. And perhaps that's the only perspective that really counts....I don't know.

When my son is around, it feels as though he is TRYING to create chaos--that is his mission when he's around me. There is no comfortable coexistence there......I am always on guard. I am always deflecting questions for money or food or he's telling me about what his current DOC or the last drug was that he used. He says that he's so glad he can tell me all about his "drug community" (because I'm sitting there calmly not reacting to the crap he is spewing out of his mouth) but INSIDE it's turning me inside out and churning me up. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT HIS DRUG COMMUNITY! He verbally rails at me for the slightest thing I say that he takes offense to and turns it into an all out attack on my life, belief systems, family, husband, daughter, work, lifestyle, whatever. He whines about his life and what a total mess it is but he doesn't want suggestions on how to make it better--he just wants to purge his mind of all that crap that's wreaking havoc in his life. He doesn't want to do the WORK that it takes to make his life better....he just wants ME to do it for him. And because I won't and don't....it's a full out verbal assault to try to get me to acquiesce. If begging, pleading, and guilting don't work.....he PULLS OUT verbal FORCE. I don't experience any comfort or enjoymentbeing around him.....at all. And believe me.....I've tried.....but it's not a relationship when you're AFRAID to open your mouth EVEN TO AGREE WITH HIM for fear that it will result in another verbal assault. I'm just trying to preserve some part of ME that he won't suck away. He's like a parasite that is draining me of ......well......ME. There is no give and take........that is how I feel when he's around. And that feeling goes away when he goes away.

Whew......that was cathartic. I haven't expressed these feelings to anyone. Not even my husband.....not in my nar-anon group..... I feel guilt on one hand for writing those things but I feel like I am finally facing the truth on the other. I feel like I just vomited feelings that have been building up for 12 years.

Now.....if that's not "unmanageable" I don't know what is.

gentle hugs