I am so sorry you are going through all of this pain with the loss of your father. I lost my step-father to alcoholism a few years ago. It was a long illness brought on and escalated by his continued drinking. It was awful to watch. During that time I did seek out professional help and alanon which made a big difference. I had so many mixed feelings with my grief - anger at the drinking and grief that I lost the only father figure I have ever had. You will heal but it takes time. Feel all of your feelings as they come, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Reach out to those that understand and they will help you through the pain. I still miss my step-father but the memories are fond now and I know he is at peace watching over me. Hold on to those good times memories you have - they will be with you always.
Keep posting here - this group is full of people that really care and understand how you are feeling. :ghug3