Hi Chicory
Well, this'll make things interesting, son being home now. I hope his time away was enough to give you a different perspective on what "helping," means. Helping your son, and most importantly, helping yourself.
If I were in your shoes, I'd serve him with eviction immediatly, no discussion, unless it's your boundary stated simply.
For me, with AH, I don't allow him to control the conversation by deflecting, switching the topic, blame shifting, etc. It's taken immense work on my part, hitting bottom really, but I'm getting good at it.
First, I have to know and embrace my boundary. This step took a long time for me , as I have years of "engaging" with him as my pattern-arguing, trying to get my point across, trying to get him to understand what I'm saying, waiting for a sign that he gives a crap, listening to his BS and overall feeling powerless. What a nightmare.
I"ve thought about this a lot and I think, all though I'm no expert, that the difference between us codies and "normies" is that a "normal" person would have a few interactions with an addict or A and their insane crap and say, "you're NUTZ! I"m out of here," and respect themselves enough to create a clear boundary.
But not me. I stay. I stay and engage. I was trained to do that. My entire childhood was a battle ground of this exact nature. It's in my DNA.
After hitting bottom, after losing my health, sanity, what little self respect I owned and most of my friends, I embraced creating a boundary and learning how to walk away. I translate it all into communication.
This new, effective way of communicating with him is perfect! I now choose to accept I cannot change him, or make him do ANYTHING, including respect me or my feelings.
Lots of folks do NC, and at times I have too. We don't live together, so now when he calls, and he's drunk and starts saying ridiculous stuff to me (like he's been doing on a regular basis) I just say, "I"m not taking this from you and I'm hanging up. Goodbye."
I don't obsess about what he's saying to me anymore. Don't twirl it around in my mind analyzing it. I posted about some of it here: "the kids are suffering because of you," is one of my favorites.
Last night he said something beautiful to me. His drinking is escalating and our new pattern is him calling me, drunk, and slinging accusation at me. It takes a minute to realize what's going on (because I'm still sick too) and then I tell him I"m not taking his crap and hang up. He texts me the next day that he's sorry and will change. Repeat. Soon I won't be answering the phone at all when he calls, unless the kids are with him.
Thanks for letting me spill this out on your thread. It's really helping me.
So last night it was this, "my brother is spending time on vacation with my dad, and it's your fault that I don't get to because you're out fighting the drug war and I have to give you money every month."
Somehow, it's my fault that: AH's brothers family is hanging out at the cottage with his Daddy and he's not. He told me we need to live together so we have more money and he can go to his Daddy's cottage and have a nice car.
I said, before I remembered he's insane and so am I when I interact with him, "When we were living together, you were resentful because I didn't make much money. Now we live apart and I'm making more money than ever, but you're still not happy because I'm not fully supporting myself." And he said,
You'll never be able to make me happy.
ding ding ding!! Brilliance from the mouth of the drunk.
So, I hung up. Good bye.
Now. If I listen to this idiot and care about wtf he's saying to me, it'll drive me crazy. I cannot reason with him, explain myself or get him to change his opinion of me, which I happen to disagree with. MY opinion of me, MY dream of my life and all it's posssibilities, is what matters the most now.
I'm on the defensive All The Time with this man. Period. So i choose to not interact with him in many ways. To not depend on him at all, always have back up plan.
It's a hell of a lot more sane that trusting him, or allowing myself to be sucked into his sickness.
Thanks again for letting me process. I know your son is not your husband, Chicory, but the dynamics are the same.
big hugs, please let us know how it's going over there. YOU CAN DO THIS GIRL! IF I CAN YOU CAN TOO!
Sanity, and safety, are just around the corner.