Dealing with the death of my father
Im very new to this site... Im 23 years old and my father has been suffering with alcoholism almost all of my life...he has been in and out of a number of rehabs but nothing seemed to phase him...he felt like he was invincible.He was a good dad who gave us everything we could have ever needed, and I know even though he didn't really show it he truly loved me and my two sisters (now 17 and 19). A few years ago he was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver...and it has been a really bumpy ride since then. For the past year it was difficult to even look at him...he was no longer the dad I loved. He was never happy and he was visibly very sick...wasting away to practically nothing. He had been in the hospital since sometime in late May...in and out of ICU with low blood pressure. I hated visiting him...I hated seeing him so sick. Sometimes I'd just sit outside the room and cry because I couldn't work up the courage to go in...but I always made a point to tell him I loved him in case it was the last time I saw him.
My father passed away about a month ago...August 5th..50 years old...the night before we were going to tell him that he was going into hospice..and although I had been trying to prepare myself for that day for a long time i have learned that it is something that cannot be prepared for. Right now im still an emotional train wreck...maybe even worse now than I was right after he died. It's the little things that hurt the most...not being able to call him ever again and hear his voice...never being able to hug him again as he kisses my forehead...knowing he's never going to walk me down the aisle at my wedding...or hold his grandbabies..I know he's in a better place now and I know he's not suffering anymore but I can't help but wonder if there was something I could have done....if I could have been better...would it have saved him? probably not I'm just scared I'm never going to go back to being the person I was before he got sick...will I ever be happy again?