Worried about my ex
My five year, live in relationship ended two weeks ago. He did it, in the end, but either of us might have. I moved back to my own country. He's in the apartment we shared.
Things were bad, when they were bad. No door in the house unbroken. Verbal abuse, raging. There were some good things, too. Lots of other things got to us, apart from his drinking.
I'm so worried about him now. I mean I love him, basically. (In no way would I want to further compromise my life by throwing my lot in with his - I feel so relieved not to have to face that nightmare.)
But I just so want him to come to terms with this... he's ruining himself. He has so many talents he can't express, because the drinking and its effects make it unrealistic.
He has no friends, now, who want to be around him. They'll put up with him for a bit, now and then, out of obligation. None has the balls to tell him straight up that his behaviour is obnoxious, impossible. A few 'friends' will even drink with him, for a bit, and then just leave when he stops buying the rounds or gets aggressive. He never knows, because he blacks out *every time* he drinks.
When I was with him, I'd secretly wish they'd say something. Not that he'd listen - he'd probably have dismissed it, or just stopped talking to them. But over time, it might have added up. I know some will say it's unfair to expect others to watch over friends - but what are they for, then? I don't think it's codependent to say, 'I am my brother's keeper', when the brother is hell-bent on self-destruction, knowingly or not.
It's not even that... it's blind urge, false beliefs, rationalisation, boredom, and maybe self-medication. An innate need for the heightened experience and 'bonding' that happens with drink... learned, to great extent, from his mother.
He has no family, except his father. (Mother died, no sibs.) His dad knows there's a problem but has been absolutely self-obsessed since his wife died, and can't be bothered to do something about it. I.e., have a real conversation about it with him. To be fair, he did broach it, once - over three bottles of wine. Actually their relationship was always strained (his mother was closer to my ex than her husband).
The after effects of drinking have affected his ability to cope with daily life. He gets irritable, angry, depressed. Struggles at work, with people.
I could kill all the pub landlords who continue to serve him when he's had 6 pints and 3 whiskeys. I'd murder the jerks at the corner shops who sell him 6 cans of lager, after he's left the pub. I wish police would prosecute these people more regularly. It's better here (in the country I'm from) - bartenders are fined for that. In the UK, these dangerous opportunists seem to get away with it, scot-free.
He went to a doctor once, having finally worked up the courage to address it. The doctor said, 'it's because you're drinking that European lager. Drink English ale, and take a B vitamin'. What else would he want to hear? The whole damned country is alcoholic, no one treats it as a problem. ON the contrary. But he's an alcoholic among alcoholics.
He's an atheist, and mistrusts counsellors. AA is highly unlikely.
Like I said, I'm so relieved my part of it is over. But I'll always love him. It breaks my heart to think he's bumbling through this on his own, and that it might not change. I couldn't help him. I wish I could.