(((onlyliveonce)) - I'm sorry you're going through this.
My niece is 17. She has been raised by my dad/stepmom (her grandmother) as her mom died in a car wreck when she was 1, her dad is an addict and has never been a father to her.
She's angry, says she's depressed, etc. We USED to get in fights, because I couldn't tolerate her behavior. I started working MY codie recovery and setting boundaries (she's spoiled, stepmom lets her do whatever she wants). At first it was tough, but we've come a long way. The one person she respects, in our family, is me because she knows I will tell her when I don't approve of something, praise her when she does good stuff, and as she says "you've always got my back".
I know it's different than your situation, as she doesn't blame me for what's happened. However, I just wanted to point out that the more I worked MY recovery, the better things went.
We don't usually sit down and talk, but I do take advantage of opportunities, when we're talking, to "hone in" on something she says and tell her how I would handle it. She knows my past (I'm an RA), intimately, but she sees someone trying to get their life back on track.
I really think the more you work on YOU, it really does rub off on the kids.
Oh, and she never would open up to a counselor, either, eventually just refused to go. I have no say-so in what she does/doesn't do, but I still try to pass on things I've learned and she does listen, though it doesn't seem like it at the time. Teenager's are tough, and throw in addiction and codependency, and it's even harder.
I think you're on the right path
I know that most of what I learned, I got from here! It helps to hear how others have done things, and know that you're not alone.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy