As for saying YES when I mean NO - I realized how wishy washy I was... how afraid I was to make a decision and therefore I never said what I meant. I often said yes when I meant no, and then I had a big fat resentment when I "had" to do something I didn't want or need to do. I felt as though someone had made me do it, or I couldn't say no, what would they think, blah blah blah.
After I started working this step, this was something I made a firm commitment to change. I learned I didn't have to make an instant decision - I could say "Can I get back to you on that?" which gave me time to think about if I really wanted to do something or not. I learned to run things past a check list:
Do I want to do it?
What is my motive or desired outcome? Am I trying to manipulate someone or something? Am I trying to force a solution?
Am I doing something for someone that he could/should be doing for himself?
Wow. This is EXACTLY what I am going through right now. I like your checklist of things, Cats. I had actually thought to myself a few weeks ago, "when people ask me to do things, I really should have a checklist to see if it is something I can handle." Then I thought that was too micromanaging. Of course, this is before I started my first step.
There are so many things i think i "Should" do. And most of them involve accepting social invitations! "Do you want to go to the US Open?" "Do you want to go to dinner?" "Do you want to see a movie?"
I am realizing that I'm so uncomfortable being alone that I have a habit of accepting almost all social invitations -- and then I either cancel at the last minute and feel extremely guilty or drag myself to whatever it is, only to be unable to conceal my disdain & quite often start some sort of disagreement as a result.
So. . . sometimes I think it's a wonder I have any friends at all! Which is just dumb, of course I have friends! I'm really fun and love to laugh. I have a lot of great ideas and great conversation. So why do I feel like if I don't accept all social invitations I will suddenly stop getting them?!
But that's not even the point. The point is ME. I crave alone time, but when I get it, I often become a mess. I engage in unhealthy alone-time behavior -- flitting from one project to the next, beating myself up for not finishing each project perfectly, smoking cigarettes, looking at pictures of my ex, making up fantasies about my future "better" life. . . none of this stuff helps me.
My therapist and I have been talking for months about my learning to be alone and liking it. She keeps suggesting I just sit and home and literally do nothing but breathe, listen to music if I want, and try to enjoy myself. Or if I'm not enjoying myself, let myself get angry and/or feel sad. But not DO anything.
I try to do so many things, but my feelings being supressed creates an extreme amount of anxiety for me. . . so let's say I'm in the middle of. . switching out my summer clothes to my winter clothes. (Not time yet, but an example) Halfway through this project, I will start to feel sick to my stomach and not be able to go on. Lie down. Get up. Start to reorganize the refrigerator. So now my clothes are on the floor and my food is on the counter and I hate myself for being such a lazy, stupid slob.
Not helpful, right?
So these days Im resisting the urge to fix everything around me. Honestly, my house isn't a mess, I don't need to reorganize everything constantly. I dont' need to look at pictures of my Ex. I can come on SR. I can read Courage to Change. I can cry. I can watch an episode of "Project Runway" without feeling guilty-- that I don't deserve to watch TV because I haven't done enough, blah blah blah.