Let me explain some things.
I rent this apartment. I am on the lease. When he needed a place, 4 months ago, I told him that I could help him, if he was trying to help his self. Gave him a key so he could walk to places to job hunt.
The first time he lived with me, it was an apartment, too. I was the only one on the lease there too. he came after I had been there a while. He became lost in drinking, and i could not get him to stop , of course. so, i told him he had to leave. he just refused. the polilce told me that i could not make him leave, since he was not doing anything that i could file charges for. also, it was his address, and had been for a few months. they told me that i would have to get him evicted, but I was afraid that my landlord would be angry at me, for having him there. so , i moved, and did not tell him where I was going. he was so lost, he did not leave that apartment, even after i moved everything out. the landlord had to threaten him, and my son took the attitude", he will have to file an eviction, and it will take him a month to get me out". what a sick attitude. tho i know he had no where to go. he packed up his stuff and lived in his car, and that is when he got his fines, for a pipe of pot someone gave him for his birthday.
He has no job, no money, and i give him none. He has not had booze for a month. he was able to get it last month, for the govt sent 25$ for his "gas" allowance, to go to work program, for his food stamps. he did that the month before also. never went to the work program tho. just used the government, to get a buzz. he has no drugs. except for the pain meds that he had for his operation. he used them quicklly , over a few days, and he stays in his room when he does this.
he does not abuse, or threaten me. but he does have agitation when he is needing alcohol. he gets argumentative when i try to make him go out and look for work. he would stay in his room forever, if he could. i noticed him taking my sinus meds, and they were not hidden, and he does not take bunches at a time, but they affect him badly, and we certainly have arguments about his behavior. he has every excuse to do nothing. maybe there are no jobs, but a normal person would get out and try to meet people, or check back without being told.
I think he would be happy to be taken care of forever,tho he talks about how depressed he is and lonely, and he was hoping to get something for his "anxiety" that he has always had, but i believe now that he would just abuse those drugs.
He thinks i need help. He is angry that his sisters have not had a tough time. He just does not see the truth of his situation.
I am getting stronger, and more sure , and understanding why it would be the best thing in the world for him to go to the shelter. He could at least not be under "mommys" eye.
I know he loves me. when we argue, and have said hateful things in our anger, he and I both have cried and apologized profusely to each other. we grieve over the mean words that we can never take back. but I feel that he is getting too frustrated with things the way they are. it will be the kindest thing i can do for him, to let him go. I have never been afraid of him hurting me. i do worry that he will damage this apt, and i will have more expense. and i worry that he will never have a functional life. but i am starting to see that a lot of what i think comes from being emotionally sick and addicted to taking care of him.
i got some great books at the library. the scales are dropping from my eyes, a little at a time. I am learning, just a llittle , about how to find some serenity, in the toughest moments.
Like today, when he called angry, I was so upset, i was sick at my stomach. I stopped myself, and tried to recall what i have been learning. I found comfort and peace when I told myself that my son needs what he is experiencing right now. he needs to be angry. it is normal that he is angry, and ineed to be glad that all this happened. I actually am.
I told myself to calm down, and accept this time, this stuff, and to let it work for his good. to keep planning on getting him out of here. and to let his HP work with him, and to get out of his way.
I need to make sure that I am not interfering with his business. so he cannot be mad at me. but that means that he must leave here.
If i said, please, i need you to go, he would probably laugh, or ignore it. he is scared, i know that feeling. i had to jump out of a situation once, with no where to go. I hid my head in the sand until the last moment, when I was forced to go. So, I understand the fear he has. But he will never learn that he can do it, unless he has to.
thank you for your caring and concern. i promise, i would not stay anywhere if ifelt in danger. I called him toinght before coming home and asked if it was safe to come home, if there was going to be a problem. he said, " I was wondering the same thing" and we just were cordial to each other.
He is a spoiled brat, who feels such a sense of entitlement. I cant believe how great it is, but perhaps it covers up a fear of failure, since he does not know how to do much at all .
hugs to all,
chicory