SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - advice
Thread: advice
View Single Post
Old 09-02-2010, 01:45 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
GeordieNJC
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 23
Question advice

Hi all,
My partner is an alcoholic, I love her dearly.

I've known her since we were children however lost touch for many years, after I went through a bitter divorce I found out she was living round the corner from where I was now living.
We met up as old friends and she admitted to me the first outside her family her issue. As a friend I said I would support her.
She had had the problem for a year or so at this stage or at least admitted it for that long and had had one home detox but had fallen off the wagon.
We saw a lot of each other and it grew into a relationship. She asked me to move in and as I was living with my parents at the time agreed.
The house we were in belongs to her father and I was to pay the rent to him via her in cash (big mistake).
Things were great and the relationship was strong, I councelled her and helped keep the fact she was still drinking a secret.
After about 8 months of happiness and taking her through another home detox and always being there for her things went wrong.
At work I received a text message from her dad calling me a thief and liar and to move out and never see his daughter again!!!
I spoke to her and it turns out she had never handed the rent over and had drank it!!
I asked her to put things right, she said she would but I don't think she ever has as her whole family don't have the time of day for me. It should be the other way round pat on the back for looking after her.
Not long after this due to circumstances beyond my control my 11yr old daughter came to live with us. She had issues of her own such as rejection by her mother to deal with.
So with what happened before and my daughters interest at heart I got a flat myself close by.
Our relationship continued in secret so to speak so she wouldn't "upset" her family by seeing me!!!
This went on for a few months and during this time I lost two jobs due to the time I was having to take off to look after her!!
I got to the end of my tether, tired and exhausted looking after her my daughter and two homes. Enough was enough and I finally persuaded her to come clean with her family and get more help.
I must point out at this stage her family are all big drinkers ad I belive in some ways everyone of hem has a problem of their own to admit.
I took a call at work (another job) to say she had told them, I had asked to be involved when she did but she went ahead without me and that she was moving in with her mother for the forseeable future.
The relationship continued and we still saw a lot of each other and things eased up for me with her family, but for some reason this made me worse.

I wasn't involved in the care anymore, she became distant and I felt my nose had been pushed out. I can see that now but at the time all I was was frustrated and angry.
On two occasions I really lost my temper with her and locked her in the house so she would talk to me, to listen to how I feel that I love her and feel like i'm losing her.
It backfired as all I did was scare her and she ran to her family and only said the bad that I was locking her in the house and shouting at her, not why I was. Truth is they have done the same with her for the same reasons as me at times.
She said she needed a break which I accepted part of me thinks that was her families decision not hers.
We still talked every day on the phone. I love her so much and was missing her so much and her refusal to see me hurt, I had a breakdown. Ended up on tablets myself but also discovered alon on.
She heard from a mutual friend about my breakdown and agreed to see me. We met for about an hour 3 times a week going for a walk and chatting.

Now to recent history, she has just completed a residential detox for 7 days and is sober, now she attends a day centre to aid the recovery, she says she loves me but always is distant about it.
Today the day centre have advised her she is not to see me during the recovery time with them as I am a distraction, she can thou still call and text me.
Part of me says yes this is right put her recovery first and worry about us later. If that's the case and she does say she still wants me after it all but to me it doesn't sound convincing the distance is still there.
Part of me says it's her controlling family sticking their noses in.

Is that normal in recovery to advise to distance your relationships. I will wait for her to go through this but god it's going to be tough.
GeordieNJC is offline