Phineas,
I can relate. I'm a recovered alcoholic who hasn't had a drink in many years, and also has a pretty happy, useful life as the result of AA's 12 Steps.
I came to AA as a staunch atheist who though the idea of a 'higher power' was a crutch for weak-minded people. But I came to AA with something else. I came with an utter defeat in my heart, knowing that I could not think my way out of my problem. Knowing that I was screwed and had no hope of getting free.
Originally Posted by Phineas
I believe I am the only one responsible for my actions.
I believed that as well. But I didn't seem to have the power to make the right actions.
It was easy for me, as an active alkie. The evidence of my powerlessness was all around me. It's tougher to see that from the Al-Anon perspective.
In the course of 12 Step work, I get to interact with a lot of family of the alcoholics. Consistently, the drunk knows he has a problem. The destruction is obvious. Just as consistently, though, the spouse does not know they themselves are just as sick. They all think that their problem is their spouse. If only so and so would get his act together, or I'd leave so and so, then I'd feel better.
And it usually doesn't work that way. That's why Al-Anon is there. To get you focused on your own recovery.
For that to happen, you have to sort of recognize your own sickness. And for Al-Anon to be effective, you have to know that you can't just feel better by wishing it. You don't have the power to feel better.
If you did have that power, you'd already be feeling better.