step one. . kicking my BUTT.
i say it. "i am powerless over (BLANK)" -- five seconds later, my brain is off and running, trying to figure out how to solve each and every problem i encounter.
i've always been proud of my ability to endlessly analyze a situation, make a list of the pros and cons and then make the BEST decision. over an apartment, over what type of utensil organizer i should get for my utensil drawer, over any and everything. . .
and i'm a terrible snoop. my parents snooped on me all the time, read my diaries, listened to my phone calls, called my friends and my friends' parents to find out where i was/what i might be doing (even after moving out of the house and being in college/grad school!). . . okay, but so what? that's where i learned the behavior, but it is NOT okay.
not only is it not okay, it's BAD for me. . and here is where i have to insert
I replace "powerless" with "none of my business" a lot.
right. only problem is i think "none of my business" doesn't apply to me.
I AM POWERLESS OVER OTHERS.
I AM POWERLESS OVER THEIR ACTIONS.
I AM POWERLESS OVER THEIR DESIRE TO CHANGE OR NOT CHANGE.
I AM POWERLESS OVER MY DESIRE TO CONTROL THEM.
HOWEVER. . I AM NOT POWERLESS OVER MY OWN REACTION TO MY DESIRE TO CONTROL THEM!
but this, this is very hard.
i'm getting anxious. i feel it physically now much more than before. every couple of minutes sometimes.
trying to stay with the thought that my newfound awareness is part of the process.
Courage to Change the other day said something that i loved. . "Progress, not perfection."
i can't just say "im powerless" a few times and expect it to change how i feel and how i want to act. but the act of saying it a few times, a few hundred times, a few thousand times. . . then i might get somewhere.
but my lord it is difficult.
right now i can only accept my powerlessness for a few minutes at a time, then i'm off to win the races once again.