Thanks everyone for your prayers and hugs and kind words. I am trying to have a plan. I'm a very good planner. So good that sometimes I can plan and plan and plan forever and never actually DO anything. :-) So I'm trying to balance planning with accepting that I'll never have a perfect or complete plan and at some point I'm going to have to trust God.
I might have mentioned this before but my pastor once said that he thinks some women stay in abusive relationships because they don't trust God to take care of them. I'm trying to trust a little bit. I would like to stay in this house, or in this neighborhood until my daughter graduates from high school (3 years) I would like a place to stay that will fit me and my children with rooms of our own. If my husband doesn't leave the house I don't see how that will happen. At first I wanted to trust God to give me exactly what I wanted. Now I'm just going to trust him to provide what's best. Maybe this house, this neighborhood etc. isn't what's best even though it's what I want. All that is just to say that I am working on a plan while trying not to get stuck waiting for perfection.
I have been going to Al-anon, just once a week. I think I might try to go more often.
I do have family who would take me in, they just all live so far away. 45 minutes with no traffic. I could make it work if I absolutely had to but I work at 6 and my daughter has school at 7:30...
I hope I'm just so emotionally exhausted and on edge that I'm over reacting about the immediate danger. My husband has never hit me or physically intimidated me. There have been maybe 4 times when he was really really drunk that I was worried that he might snap but for the most part I have never been physically afraid. He's done things like play "I Used to Love Her" over and over again. Tensions are just so high right now. Normally I would just be sweet and pretend everything's ok. We haven't talked in a couple of months. We just say what we need to to get through the day but that's it. Should I just smooth things over until I'm ready to leave? Will that make it worse though, more of a shock to him? Will it make him more likely to react badly if it comes out of the blue?
More than anything I'm worried about my son. I was thinking this morning about letting go and letting God and just doing what I can do. What I can do is talk to my son, tell him how sorry I am about the way his dad treats him. Tell him that the accident was just an accident, I backed into a parked car once, things happen. That's why we have insurance. Yes, it's going to cost us some money but it's just money. It grows on trees, right? We'll get more. Tell him just to ignore anything his dad says about it. I can make a plan. I can leave this relationship and give my kids a safe home. They are not physically unsafe but it is not emotionally safe to be imperfect in this house. I will give them a place where it is ok to be themselves even though they're not perfect. I can do that. I can be calm and peaceful. I can pray.
Here's what I will do this week:
- I've opened a new account at a new bank. This week I will change my direct deposit information so my checks go to the new account. My checks are sortof extra. I've been using them to pay off our last credit card but am going to save the cash for a little while. I really have to appreciate this more than I do. I'll be getting a large bonus next month so within a month I can have $2000 + saved for down payments etc. I realize not everyone can save so much so quickly. I don't know if I can support myself without child support but this money can also be used to fill in the gaps until things are finalized legally. Thinking about that makes me feel better.
- I will meet with a counselor who specializes in addiction and abuse and have them help me figure out the best way to move forward.
- I will find a counselor who works will teens so that my kids have someone to talk to, too.
- I will make arrangements for emergency housing if we need it.
- I will call some apartments nearby to find out what the leasing terms are, how long the process takes etc.
- I will take family pictures and videos to my moms for safe keeping. The rest of the stuff is just stuff. I will miss some of it if it comes to that but it can all be replaced.
- I will gather important papers and take them to work.
- I will breathe, and take a nap, and read something nice and hopeful instead of reading so much about the negative affects of divorce and abuse and fear and... :-)
Thanks again everyone. I've somehow become so isolated and really don't feel like there is anyone I can talk to. Certainly not anyone who would understand. I'm sure I don't need to tell you how touching it is when people you don't even know care enough to say kind things to you. And thank you for sharing your stories. I've been reading the archives and that has helped, too.