I keep thinking that if I can just say it right, explain it in a way that he understands that I do love him and he’s hurting me, and the kids, and himself and I’m not asking him to do anything horrible, I’m not being selfish or asking him to do something I’m not willing to do myself, I’m not saying our problems are all his fault, I’m just asking him to work WITH me...
Ahhh the 'ol try to speak rationally to an irrational person dream - in the dream we say just the right thing to make a little bell go *ding* in their head and they see the light and (cue music!)........
I know for me when I am overly nervous or freaked out about what to say or how to say it, that is a bright red flag for me that I am sliding down the codependent slope and into dangerous waters of expectation, resentment, and illusions of controlling outcomes.
I realize I am focused on the other person so much I don't even know how I really feel or what I really want. If I knew that then I would know what to say - "I" statements that express how I feel and what I intend to do about it. And then back it up with action.
My exH and I once went a record 22 days without speaking a word to each other. With a 6 month old baby in the house too! I also remember saying to him (about things I felt he needed to change) "It's not like I'm asking you to stick pins under your nails!" I mean, why couldn't he just see that it would be good for him to change? Didn't he love me enough to please me in that way??!! God I was sick! Yuk. Seven years of that tension. I hated that feeling, I hated walking on eggshells, and as much as I thought I would hate being divorced and its effects on my children life is grand and the boys are healthy!
Not that I am advocating divorce - but it isn't the worst thing you could go through in life! What I found through the pain I suffered in my marriage and divorce was that I was a pretty far-gone codependent - and when I started working on that and changing myself life got much better...
Peace-
B