Oh chicory your story is a heartbreaker.
I only know that when I stopped enabling my Abros it was a very difficult time of change for me. It was so painful to turn them away, stop giving them money, stop letting them sleep in my apartment, stop listening to their BS. I felt sooooooooo bad.
At first.
But because of all I was learning at AlAnon it was just like a muscle that I had never exercised and it got stronger and stronger and it began to make more sense to me why I had to stop enabling them and why I had to do what was best for my mental health. I mean sometimes, they were just ANIMALS and dealing with them or validating them in those moments in any way was killing me. It really became about my sanity - I allowed myself to be pushed right to the brink....
They have managed fine without my enabling. It had no effect on their drinking, but it did lead to a more respectful relationship between us and one where I can talk to them about a book or a movie or something with some dignity - it was embarrassing and horrible how they used to behave around me, I literally shudder to remember some of those bad scenes.
But it didn't start with me kicking them off my couch...it started with me accepting my powerlessness over them, finding support for myself, and detaching from their choices & behavior.....
massive (((((((hugs))))))
I hope you find some peace of mind soon--
B