Why can't I put my son out of my home? I mean to ask, when he is standing in front of me, with hatred in his eyes (benadryl) andgy cause I found a rolled up paper where he had obviously snorted his vicodin, maybe, after his surgery on his sinus -how stupid can you be?
When he has thrown a glass and shattered it on my back porch. When he pulls back the broom like he wants to brain me with it? When he calls me names I have never heard used (and I can cuss like a sailor, if provoked
)?
When he says i have disrespected him for the last time, for snooping in his room?
I woke at 4am, to find him not here. he took his bicycle. figured it was to look for smokes, since I wont buy them anymore. I looked in his room to see if he had his cell phone, cause I was almost going to call him, then thought No, let him search for used smokes with dignity
On the table, i saw a rolled up paper, which i figured must not be a good thing to find. He had his surgery, on sinus , two weeks ago. also found a pack of my benadryl. one missing.
when he came in , i asked him about the paper, and he denied anything. I told him I was going to ask son in law (with DEA) what was on the paper. he laughed, but got mad later, and I knew.
at work , i tasted the tip of it (yeah, he got his brains from me) and tasted probbly the vicodin. or something.
he has no money or job, no beer, no smokes, so i figure it is the vicodin, about 10 that he used in about three days. for party purpose.
why i cant bring myself to call the cops is beyond me. I cant bear to see him arrested, when he is so desperate in his life. he has no friends. they hate his couch hopping, i guess,and dont callhim. he is so negative, says there is nothing he can do about his situation.
my head tells me that he is getting lost here, but my heart says that it is the wrong thing to turn him out. he has the survival skills of a two year old. my fault too, i am sure.
my heart is breaking tonight. he has calmed down, i asked him if he needs to go to the hospital. he said, "on two benadryl?".
I am feeling like he is losing his mind, and I dont know what would be worse on him- to have a place to sleep, with food, or to be walking the streets, with no money, no job , no hope?
What is wrong with me? Why can't i do what everyone says is right for my son? i feel like there is no hope for him. he is a hopeless person, and so negative about anything that anyone suggests. he has a reason that it will not work. says it is a waste of time to try, when he keeps getting "we are not hiring".
sorry that this is so emotional. I wanted so badly to have him gone, but feel pity for a man so pathetic and depressed. I am probably making it all worse.
God help me, please.
Thank you for your support here. It is the only reason that I am not crying myself sick right now. At least, I am functioning, while i am crying myself sick
