OK, so I think I’m back to “clarity”. I am absolutely heartbroken at the thought of my children having to deal with the aftermath of divorce but the status quo isn't good for any of us either.
My husband and I haven’t been speaking to each other. It’s been months. I started it. I was starting to get clear on some things and just didn’t have the emotional energy to pretend that I cared when he would complain about the stupid choices his parents, siblings, coworkers and politicians were making. And I realized that his drinking and anger weren’t my fault – it wasn’t because he didn’t think I loved him so no amount of trying to be the perfect wife and love him enough was going to change things. I didn’t have to force it or pretend any more. At first he tried being nice – he would make plans for us to do something together or would make dinner several nights a week. He even thanked me for something. (yes, that is notable.) I still didn’t/couldn’t respond so he just started not talking to me, too. It’s not an openly hostile silent treatment or anything. We answer if the other one speaks. We say goodnight, hello, bye... but that’s about it. No eye contact…
I felt really bad last week imagining how lonely he must feel to come home and no one cares, leave and no one cares and to not even know why. But he hasn’t asked me. If he was acting weird like that with me I would ask what was wrong. I’m sure he knows and is dreading having to talk about it. It’s time though. I’m going to just tell him that we can’t keep going on like this. We need to either work on it or end it. And working on it doesn’t mean I go to therapy and get back on Prozac for a few months until I forget how bad it was. I know that there are things I need to work on and change. I am willing to do the work I need to do but I’m not going to do it by myself. He will need to go to counseling for his anger and drinking (possibly AA but will leave that up to him and his counselor). Just saying he is going to stop being mean and stop drinking is not going to cut it. I found a few counselors locally who, among other things, specialize in addiction, anger management, emotional abuse, divorce and work with adults and teens. This is important to me and makes me feel better about what all of this has/will do to my kids.
If he doesn’t want to work on it it’s ok. I’m not going to beg or yell at him. He has a right to continue to drink if he wants to. I hope he’ll be civil and will work with me on the housing situation and work with me to stay in the same neighborhood for my daughter’s sake but if he doesn’t I’ll deal with it.
I’m scared though. I am pretty comfortable with my decision. I’m not happy about it. I wish I didn’t have to make this decision but I feel like I’ve gone through every scenario and every excuse and I still think I’m doing the best worst thing.
I haven’t had the conversation yet though because I’m trying to figure out how to say it. I’m sure he’s going to be angry and defensive and refuse. I keep thinking that if I can just say it right, explain it in a way that he understands that I do love him and he’s hurting me, and the kids, and himself and I’m not asking him to do anything horrible, I’m not being selfish or asking him to do something I’m not willing to do myself, I’m not saying our problems are all his fault, I’m just asking him to work WITH me...
I know it’s ridiculous but I just keep thinking there must be some magic words and I need to figure out what they are…